Category: Parents


Sh*t My Kids Say

March 27th, 2010 — 12:36pm

Watching TV:

Medium Fry:  Dad!  Can you get me the Body by Jake fitness machine for Christmas?

Husband:  (gives kid a look as if to ask what kind of weed was in his bowl of Cookie Crisps)

Medium Fry:  It wouldn’t be bad for you either.  You’re pretty weak.

Kid’s lucky he’s cute.

6 comments » | Commercials, Living with Boys, parenting, Parents

I Googled Him Today

November 2nd, 2009 — 3:06pm

We haven’t talked in such a long time. It’s been even longer since I’ve seen him.

If you ask me, I’ll tell you that I don’t have any feelings about him at all.

None.

Really.

I can summon nothing.

He is part of my past like kids from elementary school who moved away, like that shirt you had to have in 7th grade and only remember now when you leaf through the photo album at your mom’s house.

He was there one day–such an integral part of my life–and the next he was gone. The pain in the beginning was fierce, but when it subsided the relief erased everything. No more drama.

So why? Why today?

Why was the last thought I had before falling asleep last night one that suggested I should google him today?

I felt dirty just typing his name. I was embarrassed. What if someone found out I had looked for him? Was I really “looking” for him, or just wanting to know if he was still out there?

My upper lip is pulled up in a scowl as I type this now. I’m disgusted that I did it. Thinking that by admitting it here I will cleanse myself of this thing–this act of typing twelve letters and pressing Enter.

You’d think by my description there was abuse. There wasn’t. Well, unless you consider abandoning your 10 & 12 year old daughters with no notice abuse. Most days I don’t. I’ve often considered it a favor.

He just walked away one day.

His name doesn’t deserve to be uttered. It most certainly doesn’t deserve to be written. And I think that’s why I’m so repulsed by the fact that I did. I think I’m worried that just by mentioning him by name he will somehow manifest from thin air, and I REALLY don’t want that to happen.

6 comments » | memoir, parenting, Parents, TMI

I Have a Hard Enough Time Believing I’m a Parent

March 4th, 2009 — 9:58pm

Rick and George* were quite the stoners in high school.

Both great guys, they were pretty easy-going–you know the weed and all–friendly, quick to laugh–again with the weed–fun–even without the weed (I mean I think I saw them when they weren’t stoned)–bright–despite the weed–athletic–and that’s tough with the weed–and they were friends of mine.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that George and Rick smoked a little dope back in the 80’s.

Tonight I spoke to George for the first time in ten years. With what I assume was a completely straight face, he told me about a recent conversation he had with Rick.

Apparently, Rick was experiencing a dilemma and needed some advice. Rick wanted to know if George thought it would be okay to let his 13 y.o. son go see Clerks 2.

Let me paint this for you in a slightly different way.

Bill and Ted have kids of their own and consult with each other on how best to raise them.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

10 comments » | drugs, Friends, high school, humor, parenting, Parents

The Man is Obviously Worried About Retirement

October 11th, 2007 — 10:50am

Dad’s at it again.

Hi there Son,

I am forwarding to you an Email with an article from the NY Times on MADONNA, who is reported to be leaving Warner Brothers for Live Nation, the concert promoter–if it goes through she gets $100 mil, with the first $50 mil to be paid up front. Now this is not as good as the $500 mil that comes with Rachel, but it’ll be OK, it’ll keep the corporate jet manned and in fuel, and you probably will be able to quit your day job.

You have to admit Madonna is a whole different scene from properly prepared pasta, and you may not have enough energy to accompany her on ALL concert tours, but the benefits would seem enough to grit your teeth and bear it. She is, admittedly, a little old (turns 50 next year), but I would suspect you wouldn’t notice it with those intense lights and loud music all the time.

Now, as your father, I would far prefer Rachel, because I can hardly muster the energy to get through a whole Madonna set, whereas my appreciation for Italian food has no discernible limits. I would however stifle myself and my reservations if you and Madonna were hitting it off and having fun–fathers often have to make such major concessions for their children.

It does seem that your status as a rocket scientist would make you very attractive to Madonna, since she and her group may be fairly high much of the time. So ask her out–if she accuses you of only being after her money say no, that’s my father–then she will respect you as a hottie and my interest as something she intuitively and favorably relates to, part of a business deal (she needn’t know how expensive Jean and I can be….). OK, so this is to show again that we have always your best interests at heart,

Lotsa love, Dad

Of course I had to be the one to break it to Dad that she’s married and totally into the whole healthy living thing. Poor man. He just wants one ridiculously wealthy child–even if he needs to pimp his one and only son out to get one.

22 comments » | Family, Love, Madonna, Marriage, Parents, Rachel Ray

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