Category: Sex


We’re Talking Sex Kids

May 21st, 2008 — 3:35pm

Check it out.

The mommies are on the loose and they’re talking about sex.

You know you wanna know what we have to say.

It’s okay. Go ahead. Click.

3 comments » | DC Metro Moms, Motherhood, Sex

The Trip from Febreeze to Self-Pleasure Is Quicker Than You Think

May 14th, 2008 — 8:11pm

It started out as the most innocent conversation, but I was left with many questions.

A wad of rain-soaked clothes were left in my co-worker’s car resulting in a musty smell. He was telling me about the vast amounts of Febreeze he had sprayed in his car and was complaining that he could still smell the odor.

When I was younger we had dogs. We always used Lysol to clean up after the puppies while they were being housebroken. The puppies in my life pre-dated my children, and therefore my tolerance of poop, so I would often gag when I was forced to pick up the poop. The smell, the consistency, the little remnants left on the floor; I still associate the smell of Lysol with it all.

It was this I was telling my co-worker–that if I smell Lysol now I would swear to you that it smells like puppy poop–when he made an unexpected connection to my story.

Him: “Oh yeah. That’s just like when I smell someone who has on my jerk-off lotion.”

Me: *blink. blink*

It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I definitely didn’t see that coming.*

*Heh, I said “coming”.*

So I let this information sink in–about five seconds goes by–and then it begins to happen.

I have questions!

Me: “You have jerk-off lotion? Is this special lotion? Do you only use it for that purpose or do you just use whatever you happen to have around? Can’t you just do it with a dry hand?”

And he actually began to answer them.

We work in a very small consulting firm, so this conversation is not as inappropriate or uncomfortable as it sounds. He’s in his late-twenties. It’s the 20-something boys I know who keep me hip to the whole single scene. Not that I don’t respect them, but I do sort of look at them like animals in the zoo–observing their behavior and being grateful that I live on the other side of the bars.

It was a bunch of young, male, former co-workers who taught me years ago about the prevalence of manscaping and the expectation of Brazillians for the women they dated when I still thought all that grooming was reserved for the porn set. Seriously, you ever think you want to be single again? Just talk to a bunch of late-twenties males. You’ll run home to your spouse at lightening speed.

Anyway, so he starts answering me.

Him: “Yeah. I haven’t gone without it for like 10 years. It’s nothing special, but I usually have two bottles, one in the bathroom for regular use and one in the bedroom.”

Me: “What if your girlfriend develops a sudden case of dry skin and sees the bottle of lotion by the bed and just starts slathering it on? Do you run to stop her?”

Can you just see that all in slow motion? “Nooooo. Not THAT lotion.”

Him: “Not at all.”

Me: “But then she’ll remind you of…um…jerking off?”

Him.: “Yeah! I know. That’d be awesome.”

Um. I don’t think she’d think so.

So now I have a challenge.

I have between now and our next holiday party in December to figure out a way to delicately suggest that she might want to bring her own lotion with her to her boyfriend’s house.

And I swear the next poor guy I see in the lotion aisle at CVS is going to be so sad he met me.

“So how do you decide which brand?”

“Are you brand loyal?”

“What if there’s something different on sale?”

“What features are you looking for?”

“Wouldn’t lube work better?”

“Do you prefer scented or unscented?”

I just have so many questions…

*For the record, I’m not a prude. It wasn’t that I was unfamilar with the concept, I just never thought that’s where the conversation was going to take us.

35 comments » | Holy Crap, I'm a dork, Sex, TMI

Dammit Eliot!

March 10th, 2008 — 1:26pm

You know I loved watching you. I loved that you weren’t afraid to go after anyone. I had high hopes for you.

And now I feel like a disappointed parent. (Wait! I am a parent and I am disappointed.)

I mean really! Didn’t you think you’d get caught? Didn’t you realize those you’ve left in your wake would want to nail something on you?

Or were you trying to make up for some shortcomings?

What is it with you meglomaniacal politicians?? Or maybe I should be asking what it is with our country that we demand so much from our politicians that there is only a certain type who can fit the bill?

18 comments » | Politics, Really?, Sex

I’m Going to Need More Stationery

September 6th, 2007 — 4:13pm

What a night of correspondence!

First, there was this comment from the CEO of this sex toy company that demanded my attention. Of course, I had to reply. It would have been rude not to.

I do wish she had read more carefully. I wasn’t dissing the toy. I was merely shocked by the price, which I’ve subsequently discovered is in line with other toys of its caliber. I offered to try out some of their other fine products and review them. Who knows if they’ll take me up on my offer. I will say the Jollie is far more fun that it first appears.

Then it was on to organizing a little get together at my house. No RSVPs so far, but I might vacuum if they take me up on the invite.

Shakey walked through the room as I was composing the invitation. I thought I should give him the head’s up that I was inviting all of the viable presidential candidates to the house. You know, since he lives there and all. I got the typical response: head shake.

It stinks that I can’t surprise him anymore.

Tonight the Southern Living at Home invitations go out. They have a great deal for hostesses on their fireplace screen this month. I’m such a sucker. Sorry to any of you who get the invitations. I swear you don’t have to buy anything!! Just come over. I’ll have drinks!

So that’s what’s been on my writing desk. Can you imagine if I had had to do this all with quill and ink? Yet another reason to be glad I wasn’t born in the 1700’s.

22 comments » | "Great" Ideas, DC Metro Moms, I'm a dork, Politics, Sex

In the Shower, Part Deux

June 25th, 2007 — 8:08pm

My earlier post today was not complete. There were additional moments of brilliance I didn’t share with you my sad saps who have nothing better to do than read my inane spewingfine readers.

If this conversation was thought A, allow me to continue with…

wait… wait…

are you ready for it?

Thought B!

We in the parent blogging world allude to sex from time to time on our blogs (some begging for it more than others). And while we all must have done the waterbed waltz at one time or another to become parent bloggers, I don’t read many posts that touch on the topic in a serious way. Sure there’s Lotta who’s always got our back thinking about ways to improve things, but I’m always amazed that something that so many people do (or want to do) is still so taboo. Anyway, my great thought–which doesn’t seem so great anymore–was that we should start a blog called, “Yeah, Your Parents ARE Having Sex” to discuss such matters. And we’ll all make sure not to tell our co-workers, neighbors or parents about it.

Are you still with me?

Okay, so for Thought C–and I swear my shower wasn’t that long.

I really hope that if Shakey decides to have an affair he never brings the other woman to our house. I’d be so embarrassed by the state of my house.

Yes, as I was rinsing off, I looked around my shower, and–now I KNOW this will come as a major shock to my mother–I noticed that it along with the rest of my house bathroom needed to be cleaned ASAP.

I got to stop worrying about what other people think.

14 comments » | Blogging, I'm a dork, Sex

In the Shower

June 25th, 2007 — 10:13am

Monday morning quickly trying to rid my body of a busy weekend’s grime and an aggressive knock is heard at the door.

Shakey: What are you doing on the side?

Me: [thinking to myself] What? I only use the vibrator when you’re not available.

Me: huh?

Shakey: I just went to get money from your wallet and there’s a ton of cash in there.

Me: Yeah, I was dancing. [eye roll] The Smith family paid me in cash for the fanwear (for little league, not MY fans).

Me: [again to myself] Sheesh! He of anyone should know my blow jobs cost WAY more than that.

16 comments » | Blogging, Sex

Tales of Gail and Toothpaste

April 24th, 2007 — 9:47pm

What do Gail and toothpaste have in common? Not much that I know of though I’m willing to bet that Gail uses it regularly. She’s clean that way. But I need to talk about both of these things today.

First Gail.

A big thanks to everyone who has said hi. I’m sorry if I confused anyone. Gail doesn’t have a blog (yet), but I’m trying to get her to start one. It would be filled with LOTS of juicy gossip I promise you. She just sent me some good stuff about my highschool friemesis. Heh.

Requests were made for a good Gail story. Unfortunately I don’t have specific story to tell, but rather an effect to report. First you must understand that Mamma’s Mamma is a bit of a goodie-goodie. She never smoked cigarettes, she never did drugs–except that one time she says my aunt made “marijuana cookies” and “you know how I just can’t resist cookies. But I don’t see what all the hype is. I just felt sleepy.” Yep. That’s my mom. She does enjoy her one martini a day, but she’s not a big drinker either.

Unless she’s out with Gail.

Mom, Gail and their two friends have labeled themselves the Fab Four. They get together once a month or so for a girl’s night out (I’m sure this was Gail’s idea). Now you see I have Gail to thank for loosening my Mamma up.

I called down to say hi during their annual girl’s weekend and what did I find? My mamma giggling her ass off. Apparently the girls had been drinking for quite some time and Gail had just whipped out the cigars (and Gail if it wasn’t you–don’t burst my bubble now). My mamma (remember goodie-goodie girl?) started smoking a CIGAR!

So how can I not love a woman who can get the goodie-goodie girl to be bad? Ah, a true mentor!

As for the toothpaste…

There are many uses for toothpaste. There’s, well, cleaning your teeth. And yet, there is so much more. According to the folks over at ThriftyFun.com you can use it for fixing DVDs, cleaning your jewelry and clearing up acne. It also works well as spackle and for hanging posters.

There is one thing though I’m pretty sure toothpaste should not be used near, and that my friends is your clitoris. Yep, I said it.

I’m not sure, poor Google searcher, how the terms “clitoris and toothpaste” led you to me, but if you want my opinion on the matter here it is.

Don’t come near my nethers with toothpaste!

I understand that you may be looking for a cheap way to accomplish this, but please listen to Gloria Brame (and she’s a sex therapist, you know) “I HATED IT- burn, burn, burn.”

That is all I have to say about that.

14 comments » | "Great" Ideas, Family, Sex

Desperately Wanting

April 19th, 2007 — 11:43am

Dear Sun,

I know you’ve been feeling kinda big, but really you don’t need to hide. I think you’re beautiful just the way you are. Don’t worry about the roundness of your ass. I know that’s not what they’re showing in all the magazines this season, but frankly, it makes me hot…and sweaty.

You have no idea how gorgeous I think you are. I could bask in your naked glory all day. I fantasize about it every night. Your rays make me tingle and feel all happy. I love when you use them to touch every part of my skin. It feels so warm and so goooood.

So please! Take off the clouds. Turn on the lights. I want to experience all of you.

Who cares what all those stars are saying. They’re just burnouts anyway.

Love,
Mamma

12 comments » | I'm a dork, Sex

Memo to the Queen

April 11th, 2007 — 9:07pm

Dear Queen of the Mayhem,

Regarding your comment concerning OTJ’s “cyst”, I wanted to say I share your concerns about 69.

I personally find it difficult to completely enjoy the pleasure of receiving when I’m also supposed to be focused on…

What?

You meant problem NUMBER 69?

Oh…well…um…nevermind then.

15 comments » | Sex, TMI

Is Your Kiss On My List?

March 10th, 2007 — 12:36pm

Do you and your significant other have your lists assembled? Are they fluid or is the rule at your house that they must be laminated–no substitutions?

You know what I’m talking about right? The list of 5 famous people you can hook up with should you actually be presented with the opportunity.

There’s no laminating in our house. Because, you know, we’re surrounded by so many celebrities here in the DC burbs that we just don’t want to get pinned down.

So here’s my current version:

  1. Patrick Dempsey
  2. Bono
  3. Derek Jeter
  4. Patrick Dempsey
  5. Patrick Dempsey

And Shakey’s:

  1. Ashley Judd
  2. Ashley Judd
  3. Ashley Judd
  4. Ashley Judd
  5. Ashley Judd

As you can see, we’re both pretty committed.

So who’s on your list?

And because this was inspired by Joe, who would be on your list if you decided to switch teams?

Me? Thanks for asking…

  1. Ashley Judd (the brunette version)
  2. Mariska Hargitay
  3. Jenna Jameson (oh come on! you know she must have a trick or two)
  4. Ashley Judd (the red head version)
  5. Ashley Judd (the blonde version)

So be honest. Who’s your fantasy Daddy/Mamma?

And I totally reserve the right to adopt your list if it’s better than mine.

14 comments » | random thoughts, Sex

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