Why is a blank page so intimidating?  Whether it’s here or at work, the blank screen sends my heart racing.  Sometimes I will write words–words of no significant meaning on the page just to fill it up a bit and take the pressure off.  An outline, notes, old documents to use as a starting point, anything will do.

With photography, I begin a shoot with test shots.  I aim at the ground, adjust my white balance, focus on a few inanimate objects to check my exposure and focus.

It takes a while for me to begin to see.  Whether it’s to find the words to shape what I want to communicate or to find the light to create the image I want to capture, I have to mess up things a little bit before I get started.  In complete opposition to my approach to housekeeping, I find it easier to organize and clean up my thoughts/ideas once I shake them all up and splash them around a bit.  Actually, upon writing that that’s how I clean too.  I have to get things all out in my vision so I can organize them and find their homes.

Assuming not everyone approaches their creative process this way, but it works for me.  As I’m sloshing around poking at things from different directions, all of the sudden I find what I was looking for.

BEWARE:  Blogger navel-gazing ahead!

Okay, so I’m here putting words on (virtual) paper, writing novels in my head and staring at photos for inspiration.

Lately I’ve been living in my head.  I’ve missed exits–to my own home!  Reliving things so you can exorcise them is a little tough on the gas tank sometimes.

I forgot about writing and how it makes the trip to work so much faster.  Have I lost the sense of humor I gained when I knew that no matter what embarrassing situation I got myself into it would make good fodder for a post in the end?

I miss blogging, but it’s changed so much since the early days.  The BlogHerWriters conference inspired me again to think in words.  There I found people who loved them with me–and there was no expo floor!  I don’t resent the relationships developed with brands the opportunities gained–I’ve benefited too.  What I began to miss were the relationships and the conversations that I felt were given up in lieu of traffic.  But maybe that’s just sour grapes.  Who knows.  Now the words?  Let’s see if there are any more here.

I just wanted you to know.

It’s just that…

I just wanted to apologize.

JUST

I hate that word!

And yet, it appears in my writing all the time.

It’s like I’m begging you to give me a chance.  Every time I use it, I feel like I’m pleading for the opportunity for my words to have meaning.

Why can’t they stand on their own?  Why do they need further explanation?

I was just hoping that you would…

Say what you mean girl.

Is it a lazy writing habit or a cry from the little girl inside who still wants approval–who wants to be accepted in this world as she is?

It can be frightening to spill your thoughts onto the page for others to read.  Of course, I could hide them in a journal and burn them when I’m through, but how does that start a conversation?  How does that allow for connection?

I mean if the words are just for me…

(that’s the little girl again, afraid to ask for what she wants)

Just has a different definition of course.  Used in its alternative it is strong and truthful and powerful–it has right on its side.

And that is what it all comes down to.

Do I just right?  Or do I write justly?

I want to sincerely thank my thoughtful friends Tanya, Amy and Jenny for inspiring these thoughts.

I write to process.

I write to share.

I write to expel,  investigate,  connect, publicize, stand out, convey, separate, unite, understand, distinguish, identify, comprehend, relate, inspire, exorcise, reveal, persuade, learn, heal, clarify, notice, express–and probably a few other things too.

What about you?  Why do you do what you do?