My first marriage was a disaster. It became an abusive situation. When I finally got up the courage to leave, I saved money for months, secured an apartment and left while he was gone, because I literally feared for my life if he knew I was leaving. I walked out with what I could jam in my car in about two hours.

It was a bad marriage – and I’m not totally blaming my first husband for that. There was something the matter with me to allow myself to get into a marriage that ended up like that, but I certainly learned from it.

Now, in my second marriage, all I have to do is think back to how that first time felt – how it felt to fear, to be willing to leave all the things I had worked for behind, to need to be brave enough to start my life over – and it’s easier for me to communicate clearly about what I want, need and am willing to give. I feel like I crawled out of hell because I knew I deserved better, and I promised myself that this second marriage was going to be better. And it is. Sure, it’s hard sometimes. But it’s a whole lot easier than what I had, because both Dave and I work at it. We both want it to work. What we get out of it is worth what we’re putting into it.

When I blog about my marriage, usually it’s the positive stuff, simply because that’s what I like to focus on – the good stuff, the stuff that keeps me there. This is going to sound corny, but I can’t bring myself to complain too much about Dave, because I had so, so much worse before. And I’m just really thankful for what I have now.

But every relationship has rough spots in 17 years and we’ve had our fair share. I’d say there have been four or five spots in which we focused on US and it’s talk, talk, talk, talk — honestly. Usually when there’s some failing on someone’s part that hurts us, the person who’s doing the failing is grappling with some fundamental flaw or issue. Maybe it’s because I am so fundamentally flawed, I feel compassion about those flaws in my guy–once I get past the anger over the failings.

Great thought provoking topic.

Dr. Matron is leaving the stage!

I am very lucky in that this (my 2nd) marriage is for the most part incredibly easy.

BUT! When we have our disagreements or just “off” times, I am a person who gets things off my mind by ranting and raving about them. It is nothing for me to say I hate my husband, if I am talking to a friend who knows I will not hate my husband a couple days from now. I also hate my children, my parents, my former bosses, the checkout lady at Giant Eagle, myself, my cat, etc.

My husband is not a dramatic feller and he is very hurt by my emailed ravings to my sister and friends when he happens upon them. Bleh.

He sometimes stops by my blog. I don’t want to hurt him. Don’t want to censor myself. Too immature to talk appropriately about things I feel strongly about.

Anyway, I feel you.

Toss kids and demanding jobs and issues with families into that messy recipe, and it’s surprising any of us can make it work.