There is some mad new love going on one row ahead—well one half of the couple is one row ahead the other is five rows forward on the other side and three hours is just too long to go without flirting. It’s adorable the way he tapped the back of her head and then made googley eyes at her as he walked back to his seat–adorable if it weren’t so disturbing in that holy-shit-I-permanently-broke-my-imagination-by-thinking-about-these-two-mid-50-batty-professor-types-tossing-around-in- the-sheets kind of way.
And it’s not my fault.
My thoughts didn’t go there first. They were standing in line behind me as we boarded the plane discussing the fact that no she didn’t have a subscription to Playgirl, did he think she did? (Personally, I think Playgirl is no longer in print and I have no idea where I would have picked up that nugget of information, but you can bet I’m going to Google it as soon as I have wifi). The minute I heard that sentence come out of her mouth I wanted to call you immediately to tell you about it, but I was standing in line by myself and it would have been really rude to share this funny story while they were still standing right behind me talking about Playgirl in oddly un-hushed tones. Don’t think I would keep such gold to myself?!
Meanwhile at 35,000 feet somewhere over oh who knows–The South—I am now the friendly dictator of the deserted island I am going to live on with my fellow travelers once we have a safe crash landing. It will be a tropical island. I don’t really want to be a dictator per se, I just want them all to listen to what I say and then follow my directions. I don’t want to be in charge though.
Consider me more your lifestyle liege.
I’m making changes mental notes on each of you as you strut, waddle, scooch and careen like drunken sailors down the aisle, past my seat to the lavatory. (Why is it a lavatory on the plane? I remember asking if we could go to “the lav” in elementary school, but by the time we were in middle school I’m pretty sure we were already asking for the “bathroom pass”–must be one of those vessels a-sea/a-air/a-guys make up stupid names for things including their penises for no reason that I can divine things).
Where were we?
Oh right the friendly make-over dictator who wants no responsibilities fantasy.
First I would have everyone pile their luggage together (except mine of course) and I would take inventory. We’re going to put you in the proper clothes for your color and shape.
Seriously sir, you’d be very handsome if you weren’t sporting such a severe look. Your jaw line is strong, but you could use a little color up around your face. Give your leather jacket to the dude next to you who is wearing the black blazer with the grey turtleneck. He’s far too young for that and despite the fact that a number of 80’s fashions are coming back that turtleneck is bunching up around his cheeks and making him look tubbier than he probably is.
Oh shit!
I can’t believe I forgot to tell you. Thank god she just stood up. I caught this flight in Charlotte, NC and we’re headed to Houston, TX. These facts are only important because THERE IS A WOMAN WEARING SKI PANTS on our flight. Seriously, swish, swish noise making, bib with the elastic sides snow pants! I’m afraid none of my “coaching” will help her.
Cute pregnant girl with the awesome pregnant hair just sashayed by. Adorable. I’ll help deliver her baby cause you know I’ve had two and watched a lot of ER. She and the baby can live in my hut with me and she can help me accessorize our fellow castaways.
Preparing to land. Must turn off all portable electronic devices and restow all items removed during filight (should I tell them Word doesn’t think restow is a word?).
