Cache directory "/home7/mammalov/public_html/wp-content/plugins/ttftitles/cache" is not writable.The Very Thought of Turning 40 is Kicking Mah Butt
I didn’t have any issues with 30. The jokes came. I laughed at all the “you’re old” cards that were sent my way. I had a new job, a new husband, a new place to live and a new son.
Thirty was a breeze.
I thought 40 would be the same way, but I flipped the calendar to March yesterday and HOLY CRAP. It’s like a truck barreling at me. I’m taking a hard look at my life. There is much I should be grateful for.
BUT
I thought I’d be in a different place. I thought I’d have other accomplishments under my belt. I thought I would have learned more lessons, been more mature, become less sensitive, more self-assured.
Basically, I thought I’d have my shit together by 40.
I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to other people, but it’s hard not to sometimes. Honestly though, it’s the comparison I make against who I thought I would be that hurts the most.
Maybe it’s being adopted. Maybe it was growing up in a family that looked different than most at the time. Maybe it was the strong feminist influence from my beloved aunt. Could be a dad that picked up and walked away one day. Whatever it was (and seriously I’ve had enough counseling to have figured this out by now) I feel like I was supposed to excel at something big–something worthwhile.
I feel like I need to prove that I am worthwhile.
Wow. Those eleven words were really difficult to write.
Well there it is. I’m going to be mulling that one over for a bit.
Luckily, I still have 28 more days to sort this out.
| Tags: 40, Adoption, birthdays, self-esteem 18 comments »
March 2nd, 2010 at 10:10 pm
I so understand this feeling, but I have to tell you…you are so worthwhile.
I think that we get caught up in this idea of what we *should* be by a certain time. It really messes with us. I’m going to be 50 this year and I *should* be done raising children, but I have an almost five year old. One thing having a baby at 45 did was turn my whole concept of what I *should* be doing upside down, in a good way.
So. I think that all of life is a journey and we never know where it’s going to take us. Or when. I don’t think there is an age time limit on when we achieve whatever it is we are supposed to achieve. It’s very hard not to get caught up in thinking there is, though.
The years since 40 have been pretty damn good, couple of rough ones in there but the best thing about being this age was being able to roll with them. I think you’ll be awesome at 40 and beyond!
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Thank you so much for this. I’m so shocked by the time I’m having.
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:02 pm
It’s hard to know this now, but 40 is actually a great place to be. I wish I could have known that when I turned 40 (11 years ago) and appreciated it more. I wasn’t even a mom then and I hadn’t figured out the whole ‘I don’t want to be a lawyer anymore thing’ and was struggling professionally.
Everyone is different, of course, but to me you seem to be in a good place at this age. I know it may not feel like it. But try to believe that this is a good time and a good place. In another 10 years, you’ll look back and know that it was.
xxoo
March 2nd, 2010 at 11:07 pm
Do you know how much I appreciate your perspective? Thank you!!
March 3rd, 2010 at 6:06 am
There’s something about those “landmark” ages that somehow compels us to review and take-stock. It’s worse than New Years Resolutions! I turn 40 in a couple of weeks myself–and I’m still not sure what I’m going to be when I ‘grow up’.
As for proving you’re worthwhile–I can assure you that you are! Your writing touches countless women. That, my dear, is no small feat!
March 3rd, 2010 at 10:10 am
It is a weird thing to think about. I think you’ll be surprised though, 40 turns out to be a lot like 39, only then you can say you’re in your “early” somethings…
The only thing I had a hard time with was not one person said, “No way!” when I told them I was turning 40. Everyone was all, “Yeah, I guess that’s about right…”
March 4th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
I better get all kinds of people telling me I don’t look a day over 39!
March 3rd, 2010 at 1:05 pm
You are worthwhile, and you are one of the last people from whom I expected to hear that!!! Whenever a door closes, a window opens, so maybe you have a few more windows than doors. Embrace 40…it’s not so bad!
March 4th, 2010 at 8:32 am
I just started reading your blog, and love your honesty! What I have found when contemplating big milestones or life changing events is that when you give yourself time for self-relection (as you have been doing), by the time the actual event occurs you have worked out all the negative feelings associated with it. On the other hand, if you pretend nothing is happening or if something unexpected happens , that is when the event becomes too much to handle and it buries you. I can speak from experience- my husband calls me an ostrich because I tend to bury my head in the sand instead of dealing with issues head on. My advice would be to keep up continuing to think about what 40 means to you, but don’t get too caught up in what you should have accomplished by 40. From what I’ve seen on your blog, you are doing MANY worthwhile things!
March 4th, 2010 at 10:41 pm
Thanks Melissa, I appreciate that you weren’t annoyed with my working it out online. Sometimes I think best when I can write it out. 😉
March 4th, 2010 at 12:30 pm
you are amazing woman. You have been a force in my life online. I love you.
March 4th, 2010 at 1:03 pm
Eh, I had to learn to “let go” of that when I turned 40. Easy to say, hard to do.
One of my favorite authors, Catherine Cookson, didn’t write her first novel until she was in her late 40’s. She wrote about 100 works before passing away in her 90’s, and is one of Britain’s most-read writers. That alone inspires me to keep striving.
Hang in there. You ARE worthwhile!
xo
March 4th, 2010 at 10:58 pm
I turned 40 last year. It was harder than I had thought it was going to be. I didn’t feel like I had accomplished or done enough with my life. Took me a while but I adjusted to it.
I am sure you will too.
March 23rd, 2010 at 11:58 am
I’m turning 40 in about a week and a half. I really feel exactly the same way. Yesterday my husband said “your 40th birthday” and it somehow made it seem more real even though I’ve been thinking about it since 2010 started. I actually gasped and said “How could you?!” LOL
March 23rd, 2010 at 4:31 pm
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March 29th, 2010 at 11:46 am
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April 24th, 2010 at 3:28 am
I turn 40 in a few weeks, and I must say, I feel better than ever. I have done more and am happy about some of the things I chose not to do in my 30s, including having children. Thank you for giving me inspiration. I haven’t had the big revelation of anything I missed and I don’t assume it will come anytime soon.
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