Cache directory "/home7/mammalov/public_html/wp-content/plugins/ttftitles/cache" is not writable.Will Popularity Make Me Quit Blogging?
Before I went to BlogHer I commented without abandon. I never considered whether or not a blogger visited my site. I never considered how they were catagorized in the hierarchy of the blogosphere. I just left a comment when what I read moved me to do so.
Many times those bloggers would come visit my site and leave a comment, many times they didn’t. I didn’t keep a tally. Certainly, I felt I had developed a community with those whose blognames were regular visitors to my inbox.
Then I went to BlogHer.
Don’t get me wrong. The conference was good. It introduced me to many terrific women whose words I would never have had the privilege to read had I not been there. And boy, if I hadn’t attended I would have missed out on pulling my turkey out of the oven each week (you know I roast one every week for Sunday dinnner-HA) with my new Butterball pot holder.
All that said, I find I’m not looking at blogging quite the same way.
There were cliques. There was a hierarchy. There were snarky comments and “once over” gazes. And I kept looking over my shoulder to see if the principal was coming down the hall.
And that was diappointing.
The beauty of blogging has been for me the opportunity to get to know writers without the filter of appearances or “neighborhoods.” In the blogosphere, I felt I could get to hear about another’s experience in a way I might never in the “real” world.
I’ve resisted writing about this for fear that people will assume I am just the bitter, “dork” in the corner (okay I was) who no one would talk to. I tried to just let it go and move on with blogging in a way that was good for me.
But I’m having a hard time.
Maybe it’s because of my feminist leanings, of my approach to the world, but I don’t think women do each other any favors by knocking each other down…by judging each other because of their decisions…by setting themselves apart to feel better about the choices they have made. We only become stronger together if we support each other.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I’m noticing whether someone has visited my blog now. I’m considering whether or not I should leave a comment. I’m thinking about cutting down my reader list. AND I HATE THAT.
I don’t know that what I have to say on this blog is really all that profound or all that important. And I don’t know if it’s worth doing if it means having to be aware of these things.
August 8th, 2007 at 2:39 pm
I really enjoyed this post. I didn’t go to blogher this year, but I am planning on trying harder next year. I think if I go with the attitude that I’m going for the classes and self-improvement that might help me because I sure would hate to have misjudged the bloggers that I love to read. That would make me sad to find out that they’re a bunch of a-holes.
As far are your disappointment is concerned, I’ve often felt the confusion over the “popular” bloggers. I hear people bragging about their greatness, go to their blog and start to read, and say now why are they so popular? And in reverse what I find to be my best writing is sometimes ignored and some of what I consider to be my “writing to get something out there” brings the most comments. I can’t figure out the blogging world to save my life.
And it used to bug me, a lot.
But this year I’ve gone through some sort of shift. I just don’t give a shit anymore. (Maybe because I’m getting so close to 40…) I like to write. And sometimes I’m good, and sometimes I suck. And I only feel obligated to comment if something someone writes reaches me somehow. And I really don’t care who they are, how popular they are, and how long they’ve been blogging. If you write something that touches me, I’m going to send some love and a thank you on over to ya. And if you comment on my blog, and I don’t know who your are…yes, I will check you out. But if your writing doesn’t touch me somehow, well don’t be offended but I probably won’t comment. Doesn’t mean that I don’t love your comments, and I’m grateful that I’ve touched you somehow.
I mean for me that’s what blogging is. It’s a way to say what you think and to get some validation or not. It’s a cathartic thing for me. And man, I’m far too lazy to jump on into the marketing side of blogging. So I’m just going to go with this attitude for a while. It’s working for me.
And Momma Love…I hope it works for you too. Because your writing often touches me…especially my funny bone. So here in my long drawn out comment is some love.
Thanks!
August 8th, 2007 at 3:46 pm
Bossy thinks that most everyone felt the same at BlogHer: overwhelmed, a little shy, and sobered by the information (although not actually sober, oh no, not one bit.)
Bossy didn’t feel the cliques or anything – or maybe that’s just what she tells herself…
Anyway – great meeting you. Fer real.
August 8th, 2007 at 3:51 pm
I’m sorry this happened to you. I actually have no interest in going to Blogher for this very reason.
August 8th, 2007 at 5:53 pm
I had heard about this sense of cliques through various people, though not in any great detail.
I did not go, after all.
But here’s what I have to say about it: Keep doing what you’re doing Mamma. Don’t worry about the cliques. The rest will take care of itself.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
Hi…I’m new here, just subscribed recently, I wish I could even tell you how I made my way here, but I can’t! It was after BlogHer but I know I didn’t meet you personally. I live in Chicago but for various reasons missed the actual conference and only made it to a few parties!
I know what you mean, though. There were a few “blog celebrities” who were the bright and shining stars with long lines waiting to talk to them, and that felt a bit Prom Queen to me, even though there were a couple women I made an effort to meet as well.
The fun for me was that I didn’t actually have a name tag, so people sort of had to introduce themselves to me, just IN CASE I was someone “important”. So I just presented myself as if I am (which of course is true, just as we all are) and had some nice conversations with people that I might not have had if they’d seen my unknown name plastered to my chest! I highly recommend this. 😉
Oh, and I hope you don’t stop writing.
August 8th, 2007 at 7:26 pm
Wow… I’m soo happy I didn’t go…
I would have felt totally insecure…
and I already feel insecure….
and getting a bunch of girls together.. forget it…. I would have hated it…..
I do think the blog world is VERY clicky…
I just have a small little group of “conservative” friends that I blog around with … we all kind of have the same beliefs….
but I totally notice if someone never stops by my blog, especially if I go to theirs all the time…. I feel like they are totally dissing me (espeicially if I see their little faces all over the place…)
I am thinking of a couple people this second.
I am certainly not a eloquent writer… not one bit..
I just write about what’s on my mind for that moment.
August 8th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
Maybe it’s because of my feminist leanings, of my approach to the world, but I don’t think women do each other any favors by knocking each other down…by judging each other because of their decisions…by setting themselves apart to feel better about the choices they have made. We only become stronger together if we support each other.
Yes, yes, yes. This is why I love you…in a bloggish way, of course! 😉
Mamma, while I am a shitty commenter (sorry :D) I totally am a reader kind of reader. As in, my google reader is how I read people’s blogs. That’s in between all that other crap I call my lame little (non-BlogHer-going) life.
I don’t dig clique-ish action, probably because when I was a HS girl, I was associated with the smoking/’head’/’druggie’/headbanger or whatever you call the “jean-jacket & high heel, lots of black eyeliner and smoking butts before during and after school” group of kids, type of crowd and actually felt like an outsider in that crowd, never mind the rest of my high school.
And now I’m that same girl, only I’m currently disguised as a suburban mom living in Podunk, with two kids who tell me, literally, that “You Rock, Mom!” and I do, LOL, or so I like to think…and I don’t want to venture back into that abyss of the unknown, of the “Do they have time for me?” or if they actually appreciate the silly little words I put to paper.
And hell, I’m comment #59 on this blog entry, but you, Mamma…you, I know you are real, and you don’t fall into that kind of BS. You, I want to meet (and I say that about very FEW bloggers that I come across, seriously). Because, bottom line? You are REAL.
This post is why I think that you rock too…And wait–you got to meet Slackermom? *sigh* Now I REALLY wish I had been there.
August 9th, 2007 at 5:16 am
I’m here via Chicago Moms Blog…and I agree with you about BlogHer. I’m not a novice blogger but I have to keep it in perspective. There are cliques, and it’s not just the mom bloggers. I inadvertently sat at the Food Bloggers table one day. YEESH – the looks I got – and no one was inclusive or overly friendly.
August 9th, 2007 at 9:20 am
Interesting… thanks for sharing. The blogging world seems mostly populated by those who probably weren’t the most popular kids anyway and yet they seem to re-create the same system that made them feel like outcasts to start with.
I sort of wish I had gone this year because I’m so new to blogging that I don’t have a clue who is more popular than who and hopefully would have just been too stupid to care. A year from now I’ll probably be much more aware of the hidden heirarchy.
That being said I think the Blogher organization as a whole has a little bit of high school attitude. I recently submitted my blog to their listings and was told to piss off – I haven’t been around long enough to be considered worthy.
August 10th, 2007 at 7:55 am
SJs comment made me realize what personally bothered me about the conference. Like Mamma, I did overhear and witness some catty remarks and bizarre behavior. I think insecurity was likely behind much of this–at least that is what I hope.
SJ, you asked Mamma if she made an effort to connect with a diverse section of the blogosphere. I cannot speak for her, but I did make an effort to talk with food bloggers, political bloggers, and travel bloggers. Yes, I have a child, but I’ve never fully felt 100% comfortable slapping on the mommyblogger label.
I write about all kinds of topics–food, travel and politics among them–and the pressure to identify yourself as _____ variety of blogger really rubbed me the wrong way. I cannot tell you how many times I had to mumble an explanation to people who wanted a quick way to label me. I understand the need to connect with like-minded people, but I also found that many people were no longer interested in talking with me once I refused to label myself.
I think that the labeling and pressure to identify your brand, is the driving force behind a lot of the seemingly clique-ish behavior in the blogosphere. I don’t get it.
August 10th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
It’s funny how you can look at someone and get a totally different impression of things. Whenever I saw you, I honestly saw someone who seemed to be having a great time and enjoying the company of many friends. I do understand what you’re saying. Social situations can be really weird and uncomfortable at times, even when nobody intends for it to be that way. While I’m mostly a floater type of person who prefers to move in and out of different groups, I still felt time-crunched and that I didn’t get enough time with my old friends or to get to know newer ones.
I hope you will consider MommyCon in January/February of 2008 and I hope it will be the antidote to some of the things I keep reading about over and over like gigantic crowds and packed schedules and not enough time to really get to know people.
Here’s the Yahoo group if you’re interested:
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/januarymommycon/
August 11th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
as usual, rather late to the party…
just my $.02…i think the problem is that a place like blogher is just too overwhelming (i wasn’t there…but that many people that i want to meet all in one place??? i’m overwhelmed just thinking about it!!)
i wonder how it would be if i’d gone. i consider myself a pretty small part of the mom-o-sphere (aka – not a popular blogger) and i don’t really know any bloggers in real life (except a few of the awesome canadians)…i’ll have to let you know next year!!!!
August 12th, 2007 at 12:47 am
There were def. a few times that I felt bruised by some other bloggers. Mostly when I thought I had a great connection with someone and then when we met I was the only one excited about the introduction.
But mostly I just kept my blinders on and stared straight ahead at the warm and welcoming women (like yourself) that were at BlogHer.
But I know that there must have been more of that bitchyness that I observed because I’ve read some post BlogHer dissections that slammed mommy bloggers and other “inferior” attendees. And to that I say Bite Me.
August 12th, 2007 at 7:46 am
This is the best post I’ve read on the conference! I really enjoyed going to BlogHer. That being said, I’ve been blogging for less than a year and if I hadn’t gone to the conference with friends from home, I wouldn’t have enjoyed it nearly as much. Before BlogHer I considered myself to be just a blogger who was a mom. I wasn’t “in the know” enough to know I was a mommy blogger. When I went to the mommyblogging session (I’m pretty sure I sat next you!) I was blown away by all the concerns that where brought up.
August 13th, 2007 at 6:45 am
I think women can be the meanest, cattiest, most nurturing, caring, terrible, wonderful people ever.
I totally get what you’re saying and I feel the same way…but then I remind myself of the good in people and it keeps me going.
At least until some bitch pisses me off and then she’s going to get cut.
August 13th, 2007 at 8:08 am
Wow, I have to have a word with Karrie! And don’t stop. I love your blog. I do hear what you’re saying about that feeling, but I didn’t know how much of that was my own left over insecurities from high school rearing their ugly heads.
August 14th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Mamma, Mamma, Mamma,
What you just said was the equivalent of my first experience at BlogHer. i came home feeling “small”.
After my 2nd year, and recognizing some of the same faces, and deciding I would just toss my fears to the wind and engage, it was fabulous.
Of course, I went and roomed with a close friend, but still … she was the only one I really “knew”.
I do hope you decide to go again. I think that first year is a rough one.
Not sure about the highschool comparison. I didn’t really feel that way. I was too busy wondering whether or not I was sucking in my stomach (and look at 1/2 the photos – I wasn’t!). 😉
August 16th, 2007 at 5:20 pm
Wow! I never considered going to BlogHer because I don’t get a lot of traffic, I just really do it for myself. My circle of friends would not fit in at BlogHer because most of them are guys. I told my friend Michelle that if I could meet with other women who are similar to me and not catty like a lot of women are then I would consider. I’m not a Mom either so that really makes me different.
The thing is, I never fit in, in highschool and I’m still the same way in my 20’s if I ever did begin to “fit in” then I would truly be discombobulated.
Stay true to yourself and keep writing!!!
There are cliques everwhere in life school, work, among circles of friends, the trick is finding the folks that you can be yourself with
August 21st, 2007 at 7:20 am
I was not at BlogHer.
I thought it was a great post and I don’t read it as a pity party at all. I read it as a just a twinge of sadness that BlogHer wasn’t the utopia some were hoping it was going to be. That the blogosphere is the democratizing classless society and that BlogHer wasn’t the empowering feminist force for which some were hoping.
People are people and out of insecurity or loneliness they will create cliques, some are intentional and enforced bitterly, while others are merely accidental and completely not malicious at all.
We don’t really outgrow this and a large event, where things are overwhelming, will tend to send us back to these roles.
I read your post as saying that because of your attendance at BlogHer, you are noticing these things in the blogging community in a way you hadn’t before.
JJK suggested some sort of interest group social mixer meetings to mix things up a little. I think the more ways you can get people to interact beyond the people they already know or know of, the closer it will come to meeting the ideal…although nothing is ever perfect.
August 27th, 2007 at 4:42 pm
Weeks after the fact I ran into your post and I did have a couple of things to say. First, I didn’t go to Blogher and I highly doubt I’d ever go. I can’t stand the whole high school thing, I’m 55 freaking years old and I’m not going back in time. It’s bad enough that my kids are now doing high school and living through the angst. Once was enough.
Last year, it was even worse because the A list bloggers were all there, and there was this crazy angst about getting your picture taken licking Dooce or Mir or Melissa or some other big name blogger. It was RIDICULOUS. It was like they were superstars or something.
Then when people returned the blogs were filled of bad feelings. The mommy bloggers vs the non-mommys, the mommies vs the popular mommies. It was so disheartening I vowed then that Blogher wasn’t for me. Ever.
But just this weekend I got together with a bunch of regional bloggers and it was fabulous. Not overwhelming at all. Plenty of good conversation, lots of insights from different people about blogging and about just being a part of this weird community of writers.
Maybe that’s the answer. To start small and build up a community of your own with regional bloggers, so that when you go to another convention, you’ll have your own crowd.
As an aside, something I’ve noticed, even in your comments, is that the A-list bloggers (Izzy, SJ) aren’t ever gonna get it. At least you weren’t stuck with some of the A listers from last year. Talk about enormous heads and not much talent.