I’m a big fan, but I hate those little kernal skins that get stuck in your gums.

Is it my imagination or is the microwave variety worse in this area?

I just told Kelly that I think I lost my sense of humor in traffic a few weeks ago. I seriously don’t have much to blog about, but I hate going silent for days.

The little photo you see of me when I comment on your blog–or in my profile…well my hair is much longer now. As I mentioned a while back, my hairdresser had the nerve to move out of the area (without asking my permission) and as a result I haven’t had a hair cut since September.

Luckily, I can tell my hair is growing by the ever increasing skunk stripe running down my part.

And while I’m on hair…why is it that all the hair on my head is going grey, but my leg hair remains dark, dark, dark?!

If I’m going to:

a.) spend a fortune pretending I’m still a brunette
b.) stain my bathroom from floor to ceiling trying to save money on salon costs or
c.) look like an old hag

Why can’t I at least have the benefit of lighter leg hair?

Does all your pubic hair eventually go grey, will it fall out/stop growing first or will I need to spend my nest egg pruning the bush (es)?

Do the stop signs in parking garages hold legal weight? Can I get a ticket for blowing off a stop sign in a parking garage? I tend to view them as suggestions. But really, can police officers just skulk around a garage hanging out behind the next turn when they need to fill their ticket quota? I would.

I love growing things.

I’ve been seing all these photos of new infants lately and every time I look at one I feel like I’m going to start lactating. I really think I’d love to have another (that would be number four for those keeping score at home), but the very thought sends Shakey into a catatonic state (once he finishes hyperventilating).

So I garden instead.

I was going to put the cutest bumper around my vegetable garden but it made it too hard to weed.

Okay listen. I can’t hang around here all day chatting. I’m supposed to be earning a paycheck. You’re such a bad influence.

Any good blog topics for me?

I have an idea. Let’s do a reverse Linda “Duran Duran is neither a Duran nor a Duran. Discuss.” Richman.

You give me a topic “The Thigh Master is neither a thigh nor a master. Discuss.” and I’ll discuss (and MammaLee I haven’t forgotten about the meme).

Okay, can you guys just stop posting for a bit? Little league season has started and I have two playing this year (on different teams), so I can’t keep up.

When I do try I get so involved with reading blogs that I’m too tired to post here.

To be honest with you, I think I’ve run out of things to say. I feel like if I can’t make you laugh like her or cry like she does or rant like this one or give you beauty like this, well then what’s the point?

So in the meantime I’ll share with you the few thoughts/questions bumpin’ around in my brain. I had five hours in the car yesterday traveling to and from an hour and a half meeting to consider some of this.

1. I love the term attorneys general. Pluralizing the word attorney rather than general is a fun surprise.

2. One of my favorite words is efficacy. Not for it’s meaning, but because it’s fun to say. Try it. EFF-I-CA-CY. Fun huh?

3. My Blackberry Texas Hold ‘Em addiction is rearing its ugly head again. I’m such a risk-taker betting large sums of pretend money against a computer.

4. Did you know the State of Maryland has no natural lakes? All that exist are the result of river damming. Yeah, me either. (Thank you NPR)

5. I had to cros the Mason-Dixon line to get to my meeting. Why are there MORE country music stations North of the line?

6. Passed a tattoo parlor in the middle of nowhere. Wanted to stop on my way home to get me some ink, but I couldn’t decide on a design. I wanted to get something to commemorate being a mother, but not something cliche. I know, I know, getting a tattoo because you’re starting to feel old is a cliche, but I don’t care. Any designers out there want to throw me a design? I have three boys and three strong women who inspire me. I was leaning toward some sort of oak tree/acorn thing, but I could change my mind tomorrow (especially if you send me a good design–hint hint).

7. If porn stars get hemorrhoids are their careers done? You can’t airbrush them out of an entire video.

Two questions remain unanswered from our recent trip…

1. Why don’t you ever see baby pigeons? Lots o pigeons in NOLA all full-sized.

2. Apparently dacshunds are THE dog of choice in NOLA now. We saw them everywhere. But does it really makes sense in a city (hurricanes aside) that floods easily to have dogs with such short legs?

I’m just asking…

Do you and your significant other have your lists assembled? Are they fluid or is the rule at your house that they must be laminated–no substitutions?

You know what I’m talking about right? The list of 5 famous people you can hook up with should you actually be presented with the opportunity.

There’s no laminating in our house. Because, you know, we’re surrounded by so many celebrities here in the DC burbs that we just don’t want to get pinned down.

So here’s my current version:

1. Patrick Dempsey
2. Bono
3. Derek Jeter
4. Patrick Dempsey
5. Patrick Dempsey

And Shakey’s:

1. Ashley Judd
2. Ashley Judd
3. Ashley Judd
4. Ashley Judd
5. Ashley Judd

As you can see, we’re both pretty committed.

So who’s on your list?

And because this was inspired by Joe, who would be on your list if you decided to switch teams?

Me? Thanks for asking…

1. Ashley Judd (the brunette version)
2. Mariska Hargitay
3. Jenna Jameson (oh come on! you know she must have a trick or two)
4. Ashley Judd (the red head version)
5. Ashley Judd (the blonde version)

So be honest. Who’s your fantasy Daddy/Mamma?

And I totally reserve the right to adopt your list if it’s better than mine.

I wouldn’t say that I write for a living, but my job does entail quite a bit of writing. I sort of took this job as a personal challenge because I was always so afraid to write for others. You might find this ironic considering you’re reading my blog right now (are you? are there actually still readers?) Anyway, I don’t consider what I write here real writing because it’s usually just what comes flowing out of my brain when I sit down in front of my computer. But whatever…this is all just a really long-winded way to bring up the topic occupying my thoughts this evening.

Writing.

Is there one consulting firm (or industry of writers) who specialize in writing directions and packaging copy for sex-related items? Or does each company hire their own copywriter? This inquiring mind wants to know.

I mean, can you imagine being at a cocktail party and asking someone what they do with their day and they say, “oh I write the instruction inserts for condoms.” Pardon me while I pull this lull out of my pocket.

This IS someone’s job! I love that!

How do you think they got into it? Do you think they rose up through the corporate ranks at the vibrator factory or were they hired on specifically for their writing skills? Do they giggle when they sit down with a new product or are they so tired of looking at blow-up dolls that they think they might curl up in a ball at the sight of one more? Do you think there are writers who specialize in one variety of “toy” over another? Is there a hierarchy of what products they write for? “I used to write for latex, but I only do leather now.”

Speaking of which, you know the US Patent and Trade Office has to review everyone of these products if they apply for a patent. I actually think I’ve heard that there is one division that specializes in this area. Again with the conversation.

Mr. Smith: “How was work honey?”
Mrs. Smith: “Well, I reviewed this new dildo today. It’s ten inches long and is made of the most realistic new polycarbon material. And it will be available with or without the most realistic feeling pubic hair I’ve ever seen.”
Mr. Smith: “That’s nice dear.”

I have GOT to meet someone who has one of these jobs. I have so many questions!

1. I can skate on my backyard…and I live in Virginia. WTF? It is pretty fun to slide around though. I’m just worried about landing on my dupa.

2. My a**…it still hurts like a mo’ fo’ (see yesterday’s post.) Oh and the purple? It’s darker–much darker.

3. Speaking of a**es. You want to be a pain in the a**? Karen over at Troll Baby has been slapped with a meme. As part of it, she’s going to answer any question you ask her in the comments on this post. Go ahead. You have to read the comment string if nothing else. Lots of farts and M&Ms.

Hope you had a good Thursday!

Today sucked. It sucked like one of Mr. Oreck’s vacs picking up a bowling ball. It sucked like Mark Foley dreaming of a Congressional page. Anyway, you get the point. Today sucked.

But there was one bright spot and I want to acknowledge it. There was one thing, one thought that brought a sparkle to my eye. And for that I want to say a huge THANK YOU!!!!

And for all the shit that made me feel like crap today all I have to say is fuck you.

How’s that for sharing on this blog what I really feel?

A few famous people have died over the holidays. First was James Brown and now last night Gerald Ford. It got me thinking that it seems like famous people always die around Christmas. I couldn’t quickly find a Google answer to this hypothesis, but I did find this site that shows which famous people died in 2006.

It might seem morbid, I understand, but I always like that “In Memorium” part of the award shows. I like thinking about people who have made me think or laugh–but I also find some humor in the number of times I say to myself “huh, I thought that guy died a long time ago.”

As I write this, CNN is talking to anyone who ever bumped into Gerald Ford. Maybe it just seems like someone famous always dies around Christmas because there isn’t any other news around the holidays so they spend extra time delving into the lives of folks who die at this time of the year. And if there is any station that knows how to leave no amount of minutia unexamined while they wait for the “big event” funeral it’s CNN. Did you all take part in the death watch for the Pope? Seriously, we got to learn all about the cost of custom red leather shoes the man wore while people filed past his casket. And Princess Diana? I was guilty of getting up early to watch the funeral.

Oh wait, CNN is breaking for one minute to examine the other news around the world. You know Iraq, Sadam Hussein’s impending death, poisoned spies, we can cover that in a minute. Now…back to Gerry Ford.

This all gets me thinking about funerals. I understand the concept of a viewing or a wake for the family or close loved ones…and I think they serve as a way to show respect to the family of the deceased, but I don’t understand when thousands of people stand in line for hours or days to file past a casket…or to sign a book of condolence. Who the hell is going to read your name? And where is the family supposed to store all those books?

Have you ever read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum mysteries? They’re hysterical and quick. But there is a grandmother character in the series whose social life revolves around attending viewings at the local funeral home. Can’t help but think about her every time.

I know it’s the Christmas season and all this talk about death may not be in tune with the holiday, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t comment on whatever was in front of me when I sit down to write.

Christmas is over…my visiting family has all departed…should be hearing much more from me now. I’ve missed ya!!