Not sure I have a chance, but I decided to throw my hat in the ring for this…

I’m calling it Brand New Crayons

Enter. I’d love to see what your camera is capturing these days.

Remember when Victoria Secret first came out with the Miracle Bra? You never needed it, but the moment they launched their Miracle Bra bathing suits you had one in your hands.

We all laughed when you tried it on. I think I commented that you now had a shelf on which to rest your drink…and suntan lotion…and my drink…and my suntan lotion. You brushed me off and proudly announced that your mom declared it the “two-carat” bikini–as in you were going to land a 2 ct. diamond engagement ring by wearing it on the beach.

I always knew that wasn’t what was going to do it. You know why?

Late one night out on the beach very much into our cups, you made some comment about needing to follow the campground rules. As usual, we all started calling you out.

“Once a sorority President, always a sorority president.”

“My mom said ‘Don’t go on the Potomac. It’s dangerous on the Potomac.'”

“You’re such a MUFFIN!”

You turned to me, now a college graduate, and tried to look me straight in the eye and slurred,

“I may be a muffin on the outside, but I’m a jalapeno PEPPER on the inside.”

I’m pretty sure I aspirated a marshmallow at that point.

So yesterday, as I sat here hundreds of miles away from the hospital where doctors were removing your breasts–and with them the cancer that was attacking them–I calmed my nerves and even smiled knowing that 2 ct boobs or not, you will always be a jalapeno pepper on the inside.

And NO doctor will ever be able to remove that.

The smallest fry in my house still requires a bit of “assistance” in the bathroom (frankly, I think he’s milking this whole baby of the family thing), so we are frequently treated with an observation.

Tonight:

“Look! It’s floating like a boat. Oh, and now it’s sinking like a cannonball.”

Look out MIT, here he comes!

Today I received the following email from a good friend.

Ok- so I will preface this by saying I despise most kid’s b’day parties…I got burned out on attending the parties thrown by the private school parents–fully catered, clowns, tumble bus, Spiderman delivering the cake, $25 gifts expected by the birthday brat and every mommy trying to one up the previous mommy. My kids HATED me, cause I wouldn’t do it. Absolutely refused-I believe in saving it for a special b’day like – 10 or 16, 18 or 21…something big seems a bit more easy to swallow then..every year. NOW- the pendulum has swung the other way and the past two invities have come with a fee! One is a skating party $2 admission – plus $5 skate rental and the other is bowling- entry fee, plus shoe rental.. Seems odd, would seem that if one can’t pay for ones guests one should try having a party at home…seems the need to keep indulging ones kids with un-affordable parties is somehow socially acceptable? I guess I don’t have to worry about Spiderman and the tumble bus showing up if the host parent is asking guests to pay to attend….and not that it matters, but I could afford to pay for the party and/or for my child to atend the parties with fees, but the principal of the concept is bothering me…so I would love to hear your opinion…maybe I should just have a glass of wine and get over it?

I tend to prefer more low-key parties for the kiddos. I read somewhere that a good rule of thumb is to invite as many guests as the age of the child. My gut tells me that’s sound advice.

Sure, it is fun to see your child’s eyes light up when the moonbounce gets delivered or they ring the bell at the top of the climbing wall, but how do you celebrate the big milestones when a Kindergartener’s party costs $400?

I don’t know if I have a strong opinion about charging kids to come to a party. I suspect Emily Post would say that as the host you are responsible for ensuring your guests have a good time.

What do you say to my friend? She needs to RSVP soon.

Sure my toes aren’t bruised this time, but could the nurse have cleaned the Betadine off so I didn’t look like I had just completed a carrot juice foot bath?!

The surge to my hits from the c@st fet!shists is the only good thing about this. They’ll be return readers, right?

I had a 13″ color television, a queen-sized bed and my own room in a Washington, DC townhouse on Capitol Hill that I shared with two hill staffers. We had a one year-old dog, jobs that provided health insurance, covered rent and groceries and bought us a few beers a week.

We were 24.

For some odd reason, I sat on the floor alone in my room that night in September to watch the pilot of this new hospital drama I had heard about.

It was early September a few years earlier when I discovered the fever and odd swelling on the right side of my face and neck was mumps.

“Mumps?! Who gets mumps?”

The infirmary wanted to quarantine me. I insisted that I lived off campus and agreed to refrain from kissing young, virile boys until I was no longer contagious, so they let me recuperate at home (where I secretly made a list of boys who deserved to be kissed by a mump-afflicted girl).

When I was a kid my mom was an ER nurse. This meant that she performed our throat cultures herself at home using what felt like a wooden spoon with a nerf basketball on the end. It also meant that when we needed a booster vaccination she might bring us by the ER for a quick stab on our way to the mall or the grocery store or my grandma’s–or sometimes not.

My vaccination records from my elementary school days are a bit sketchy.

That’s what we figured when, as a 20 year-old, I developed what looked in the mirror like a mild case of elephantiasis.

(As a complete aside, this post was going in an entirely different direction when I started it and I’m not sure if I’m going to be able bring it all around again. Trust me. My original concept was brilliant.)

So despite my mom’s home diagnoses and drive-by vaccinations, she had some experience in an ER. (Like on those Christmas Days we sat and stared at the presents under the tree waiting for her to get off of her 7-3 p.m. shift. Torture to a seven year-old I tell you.) And THAT’s why I called her the morning after the ER pilot to see what she thought.

“The medicine is a bit overly dramatic, but the show comes closest to any I’ve seen in capturing the drastic swings in activity in an ER. You can be sitting there one minute reorganizing the ace bandages and the next minute up to your elbows in drunks and motorcycle accident victims.”

Yeah, I can eat through any conversation.

I liked the show too. I watched it regularly for the first seven seasons or so, took a little break and then thank the heavens for the miracle of TiVO was able to follow it every week again for the past five years.

Today, I don’t have a room of my own. I do however have a 52″ TV, a queen-sized bed and own a house in the suburbs with my husband. We share it with three wild boys and an almost one year-old dog. We have jobs that provide health insurance, cover the mortgage and groceries and buy us a few beers a week–or so it feels in this economy.

I’m 39.

Tonight, I sat in the family room with my two youngest sons constantly asking them to keep it down and rewinding the DVR trying to watch the series finale of ER.

The change in Noah Wyle is what struck me the most maybe because we’re almost the same age. The 15 years since the pilot have created for him more depth in a way that makes his face more interesting to me now than when he was playing that young intern.

Those same 15 years have given my life depth that I never could have imagined sitting on the floor alone in my room that night in September.

I have a very serious question.

How many times must one six year-old fart in the span of 15 minutes before he can be convinced that it might be time to visit the bathroom?

I only ask because if this goes on for another 15 minutes I’m going to have to find an all-night army supply store.

Some days you have to focus on the small things that make your day.

My new snazzy toothbrush came with a clock that’s handy to have in the bathroom. It’s a nice little reminder of the time as you’re getting ready in the morning–you know in case you get a little too carried away flossing. Another perk of my fine clock is that it times how long I brush.

When I brush for two minutes it gives me a smiley face.

And when I brush for more than two and a half minutes??

It winks at me!

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My office is on the 22nd floor. Getting on an empty elevator from the garage usually means I get to travel all the way to my floor without any stops.

This morning I got to pick my nose in peace all the way to 22 (Don’t think I haven’t thought about cameras. I’m just sure they’ve seen much worse.).

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No clients today, so I got to wear these.

I’ve been staring at this blank form for quite some time with no cogent thoughts coming forth. There are plenty of ideas, jumbled fragments, but I can’t seem to wrap any of them up into neat little packages.

And I think there’s probably a very good reason for this.

My best friend has breast cancer.

She’s 37. She has three children aged almost 5 and under.

I’ve known for a few weeks now–about as long as she has–and I think I’ve just been pretending it’s not true.

The doctors caught it early. She just went in for a check up–a routine physical–and the doc suggested she go in for a mammogram to establish a baseline. The doc didn’t feel anything. The mammogram didn’t show anything specific, just some thickening. They sent her for an ultrasound assuming they were just ruling things out.

She has cancer.

And they still can’t even feel the lumps.

That’s a good thing. The prognosis is good.

And I thought I was okay. I mean, I don’t have cancer. I can’t complain. So I’m fine. I’m the fine one. I’m perfectly fine.

EXCEPT WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO MY BEST FRIEND???!!!!!

I can’t fix her. I can’t make it okay for her. I can’t change things when she’s scared. I can’t make it better. And I hate that.

Each time my head starts in this direction, I just say shut up. You’re not the one who is sick. Just shut up.

But I’m afraid too.

When my aunt was diagnosed with cancer nine years ago, I was sure she was going to be fine. Six weeks later I was at her memorial service. I still think of her almost every day.

I’m so afraid to be positive about Pfunky’s cancer.

I’m so afraid.

Cause they’re going! One son is actually going twice and the middle guy told me how much he wanted to go when his big brother received the invitation. Because I want to maintain some sanity in my life this week, I didn’t tell him we were going on Thursday. I just suggested that we might go some day.

The last time I went to the circus I was 18 years old and it was a double date. My strongest memory of the night is when one of the elephants pooped. My friend lost her mind when it happened and I laughed until my sides hurt. If an elephant poops on stage this time, I’ll be with not one but three people who will go crazy. And I’ll probably laugh just as hard.

Now I received this great discount code for Ringling Bros and I wanted to make sure I passed it along. I hope you can take advantage of it. It’s a great deal!!

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® proudly presents Over The Top

Offer #1: Get 4 tickets for just $44 by entering the code “MOM” at select ticketing channels** including http://www.ticketmaster.com. Offer good on all performances, minimum purchase of 4 tickets required; additional tickets above 4 can be purchased at $11 each. Offer not valid on Gold Circle Seating, Circus Celebrity Seating, Front Row and VIP seating or combinable with other offers. Other Restrictions May Apply.

The tickets can be purchased from http://www.ticketmaster.com and by entering the MOM code in the MomCentral promotional box when purchasing tickets.

Offer #2: A select amount of Front Row and VIP seats have been reserved for you to buy before they go on sale to the public – just enter the code “MOM” when purchasing those seats.

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Washington D.C. Show dates: March 19 through March 22
Washington D.C. location: http://www.verizoncenter.com/

Baltimore show dates: March 25 through April 5
Baltimore location: 1st Mariner Arena http://www.baltimorearena.com/

Fairfax, VA Show dates: April 8 through April 19
Fairfax, VA location: http://www.patriotcenter.com/

Here are the dates for the other communities the coupon code works for these dates too!!

Houston
Disney On Ice presents Mickey and Minnie’s Magical Journey
April 15-April 19

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® proudly presents Over The Top
July 15-July 26

Dallas/Ft Worth
Disney On Ice presents Mickey & Minnie’s Magical Journey
March 18-March 29

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® proudly presents Over The Top
July 29-August 16

Sunrise/Miami
Disney On Ice presents Worlds of Fantasy
March 26-April 5

Toronto
Disney On Ice presents Worlds of Fantasy
March 18-March 22

Kansas City
Disney On Ice presents Mickey & Minnie’s Magical Journey
April 1-April 5

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® proudly presents Over The Top
September 16-September 20

Denver
Disney On Ice presents a Disneyland® Adventure
March 12-March 15

Phoenix
Disney On Ice presents a Disneyland® Adventure
April 9-April 12

Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
June 24-June 28

Chicago/Rosemont
Disney On Ice celebrates 100 Years of Magic
Sept 8-Sept 13

Newark/East Rutherford/Uniondale/NYC
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
March 5 – April 13

Offer not valid on performances from April 10 – 13 at Madison Square Garden

Philadelphia
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
May 13-May 25

Anaheim/LA/Ontario
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
July 8-August 2

San Francisco
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
August 12-August 23

Sacramento
Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey® presents ZING ZANG ZOOM
August 27-August 30