For about a year after the birth of each of my children I would have occasional panic attacks that left me bereft.  It always happened as I was trying to go to sleep.  I would suddenly be overwhelmed with the idea of dying and leaving my babies without a mother.  My heart would race.  My thoughts would spin out of control.  It was terrifying.

It’s not that I feel that I’m the best mother who ever lived.  I’m sure my sons would survive without me, but no one would love them–every cell of their being–with the blinding love that I have for them.  I grew them (well two out of three of them).    I know every inch of them.

When Elizabeth Edwards died yesterday, I could feel the panic creep around the edges of my heart.

photo credit: NY Daily News

My respect for Ms. Edwards was established long ago–long before I knew she had cancer.  Her brains, grace, love of life, love for her children, self-awareness and seemingly honest self-acceptance were all so admirable.  She’s the very kind of woman I would have loved to have worked for or had as a mentor.

Learning she had cancer was sad.  Realizing she might leave young children behind was much worse.

Hearing of her death yesterday was devastating.

You see Elizabeth Edwards is but one woman, but she represents so many more.  Too many more.

Elizabeth Edwards is the public reminder of the women–the mothers–in my life who are battling breast cancer right now or living with it as a looming shadow in their recent past.  It feels like every month I’m learning of another friend who has been diagnosed–another mother with cancer.

And much like those panic attacks of early motherhood, I’m sitting here today a mix of crazy emotions.  I’m sad for the death of this wonderful woman.  I’m sad for her children.  I am afraid for my friends.  I worry about my own health.  About my children.  I am angry.  I AM SO ANGRY for each child that will be left without a mother this year.

And yet I feel helpless.

We can give money.  We can raise awareness. We can participate in studies.

But I won’t be happy until we don’t ever have to mourn another mother with cancer again.

John Edwards is about to announce that he’s getting out of the race.

I knew his odds weren’t great, but I liked his messages. I like what both he and Elizabeth stand for.

It was just bad timing.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not disappointed with my remaining choices. I am over the moon that the two top contenders are not white men. I’m proud of my country for finally considering candidates for their experience and knowledge rather than dismissing them due to their skin color or genitals. It’s about time.

But still…there was just something about the Edwards. I would have been proud to have them represent my country too.

Once upon a time, I wrote when my brain swirled with thoughts. As a teenager, that usually involved a broken heart or anger at my parents, but it always helped to sit down and just write and write and write until I was exhausted. I would say everything that I felt like I couldn’t say out loud or didn’t have the opportunity to say. Writing rarely changed the outcome of the situation, but it was cathartic.

I never was a journal keeper. I tried many times. I love a blank book like nobody else, but I could never keep up a journal. I wanted to. It just never worked–unless I was sad or mad.

Two years ago a friend started a blog and I was intrigued by the concept. My brain never stops. Many nights falling asleep is a challenge because I just can’t seem to turn it off. A blog seemed like a perfect place to put those thoughts–and honestly, I was tired of watching my husband shake his head in amused disbelief as I shared yet another of my thoughts. And for the past year, writing regularly has been fairly easy. Like I said. Many thoughts.

Lately, I’ve been struck by an ironic shift. I don’t seem to be able to write when I have serious emotions I need to get out.

There are some thoughts I’ve been stewing over lately, thoughts I need to get out, but for once writing (at least here) doesn’t seem like the best way to exorcise them from my head. Hence, the infrequent posts of late. Luckily, the wonderful Christine (you have no idea how tempting it was to call you Christina on purpose *grin*), who parenthetically may be my soul sister, sent me a few interview questions a while back and it has provided me with some fodder for a post.

So without further ado…

1) Who is your ideal candidate for president?

Elizabeth Edwards.

Unfortunately, she’s not running. Honestly, I don’t know that my ideal exists. That’s the problem. I’ve invited all of the major candidates to come by my house. I really don’t live that far from DC. I have just one question that I’d like each to answer. All of their big “plans” and “policies” aside, how would their Presidency make the world a safer and more prosperous place for my children?

Name three songs that define important events in your life, what are they and what memories do they bring?

At first this was a difficult question to answer. Many songs have strong associations for me–some reminding me of a person or a particular place. Many ellicit strong emotional reactions, and yet none of them defined the important events of my life. It seems too easy to say, “oh this is the song we danced to at our wedding” but that felt cliche. Instead, I’ve selected three that are by no means my favorites or the three most important songs to me, but rather three that define major steps in my life.

Kung Fu Fighting by Carl Douglas
As silly as it is, this is the first 45 I owned. I received it as a present for my fifth or sixth birthday. I think from my “cousin” Matthew. I included it because it marks the point in my life when I remember having my own “tastes” (for whatever that says about them–give me a break it was the 70’s).

Fly Me To the Moon by Frank Sinatra
I have warm memory tied to this song. The details aren’t important. The significance is difficult to describe. What it boils down to is that I’ve lead my life not always believing I was truly lovable. This song reminds me that it is possible.

Isn’t She Lovely by Stevie Wonder
Okay, this may be confusing, because anyone who has read my blog knows that I don’t have any girls. It’s a penis-filled house here in VA (well except for me of course). Oddly enough, this song makes me think of my three boys though. It’s such a beautiful song about becoming a parent and the overwhelming amount of love that enters your life with the arrival of your child. When I hear this song, I think about rocking those little babe-o-lahs in my arms and dancing around singing to them. There is nothing like the big, toothless smile of baby to melt your heart.

3) Without thinking, write the first sentence that comes to mind. Now, explain it.

I’m hungry.

Boy you have no idea how loaded this sentence is! I really am hungry right now. The cheese and crackers I had earlier didn’t really cut it as dinner. And they shouldn’t have. I have an unfortunately complicated relationship with food. I love it and I hate it all at the same time. I’ve written about my challenges with my weight in the past. I love food. I love tasting it and sharing it with others. But, I don’t eat for health, and that’s a problem. I hate that I battle my weight. I hate what I think it says about me. In my head it tells the world I’m a glutton and lazy and disgusting and every other awful description you can come up with, and yet I can’t seem to stop doing it.

4) If you could leave today, and land anywhere and with whomever you wanted, and start a new life, where would you be and with who?

The where is easy. It would definitely be a warm sunny beach–turquoise blue water, white sand and a light warm breeze. The who is much harder. Is this the only person I will ever see for the rest of my life? That’s too hard. I could never narrow it down. If it’s for a weekend of hot, steamy sex well then…

5) What is the one famous quote that most closely mirrors your own personal beliefs?

Take away love and our earth is a tomb. Robert Browning

I see this as love for each other as individuals and for each other as human beings. What would our world be like if we led with love?

I am thrilled to have had the experience to hear Elizabeth Edwards answer our questions in our meeting with her today. My thoughts are racing after the call.

I would love to have the opportunity to talk to the other candidates. I wonder if I would be as excited about their campaigns after listening to them. If they don’t reach out to us, we’ll all be left with only this very positive experience upon which to make our decisions about who we’ll vote for.

I have to say the Edwards campaign is not only the only campaign that’s responded to our request to meet with them, they are the only campaign that has extended an invitation to have us blog for them…or the only invitation I’ve received as a mommy blogger.

I still haven’t made up my mind. But if you aren’t willing to talk to us Senators Obama, Clinton, Biden, Dodd or McCain, Mayor Guiliani or Governors Romney and Richardson how will we know that you deserve our vote?

“I don’t think we get the change we want unless we’re willing to work for it.

I deal with supporters…I’m doing fundraising. People write a check and they think they’ve done their part. We’re on a bad path right now. We need to be committed to working to make a change.

John is committed to that.

The way people run their campaign tells you a lot about them. Are they running a different campaign?

We have an opportunity for real change if we have someone who is dedicated to it. We can get more of the same. John isn’t the flashiest candidate.

This campaign isn’t about John Edwards as a person…if you don’t like his hair cut…that isn’t going to get us anywhere. If people are going to vote for him it’s going to be about the ideas. Not about the person. That’s why he got his policies out there early. All the rhetoric sounds the same, but it tells you something about the person when they run their campaign a particular way. It’s not about the guy, it’s about the vision.

You cannot sit on your hands and expect the change to happen.

If we get to Novemeber 2008 and have two candidates who aren’t going to represent change, you’re going to be sorry that you didn’t do something when you had the chance. This isn’t about February. This is about November. You have to do what you can now to start making changes.”

Vision of national health care system in under universal health care. The ability to have national system means that we’ll see outbreaks of illnesses earlier, we’ll have translators available 24/7.

Dependent Care:

What would that look like under the Edwards Presidency?
“I wish I knew the answer. Every employer regardless of size would give seven days paid sick leave a year (regardless of size). That’s the only thing I know at the present time. That doesn’t mean there isn’t a plan.”

My question:

How will our lives change if your husband becomes president? We’ve heard many positions on issues, including health care, but howwill our world be safer and more prosperous for our children if JohnEdwards is President?

“John’s policies are about the ladder that people used to climb toward the American dream. Many of the rungs are broken. Education, a good wage, people were healthy and hearty. There is not as much mobility between the parts of our society that there used to be. Top 300,000 wage earners in this country earn the same as the bottom 150 million in our country. Want to reinstill that we can move through our work. Universal health care is a big part of that. You have to be healthy to work hard, go to school. People aren’t sitting around worried about their health care, people aren’t worried about their schools because we’ll have schools that are working to educate our children. We have 11,000 HS that are graduating most of their students. We keep failing our teachers and students but we can’t do that any more. This isn’t something that will change in one term. This is a long term plan. John’s plan for college for everyone…means that people who didn’t have a hope for upward mobility for will through education. Reestablish our moral authority in the world-get out of the war in Iraq. Beacon of morality–not as difficult as it seems. We have to change the way people feel about us by being their benefactor. John agrees with Gordon Brown. We need to educate people around the world Middle East, Africa, etc. so they don’t have to rely on madrases for their education. We can provide clean water, sanitation, microlending. John would travel the world and give a new face for America. This won’t change on a dime, but faster than changes in education will be accomplished. We have young people around the world who are trying to decide if they are with us or against us. If we’re providing their education they might feel different. We drove them away. We have the capacity to change their opinion.

I have to say one thing. I know my answers are always too long.

John has started this community action corps (2000 groups across the country). We don’t tell them what to do. We tell them to see what needs to be done in their community and do it. They don’t have to campaign for them, but if they want to they can. They see [through their experience] they have the power to make change.

One thing that sets him apart. He believes we can individually accomplish things. If what John was offering was more of the same I wouldn’t have made the decision to support him to run. It had to be that he can change things through the campaign. He wants to make dynamic changes in this country and the world.

Still waiting.

But Shakey is so sweet. He started to mow the lawn and then came up to make sure it wasn’t too loud for my call. Not sure if was looking for an excuse not to mow or not.

Okay it’s 4:30 and I think she just walked in. Hard to hear on the phone.

With Elizabeth (she insisted we call her Elizabeth):
Hargrave McElroy–teacher and travels with EE
Ryan Montoya–does some technology for the campaign

Jill Asher welcomes Elizabeth.

How did you find out about the post Rebecca put up? You responded so quickly…
She responded first and then sent the campaign a link and said oh by the way you might want to know.

“I know you need to respond to blogs right away. You can’t wait 36 hours. It’s out of date by then.”

Jill: we had to check and confirm it was you.

EE: I do have a static IP. The guy from Whole Foods should have had a dynamic IP.

Q: How do you see yourself in the role as First Lady.
EE: “I have no idea. I have nothing to reference it to. I talk about the things I do now…I don’t have grand ambitions. After school programs, stuff on breast cancer, fairer elections, trying to register women on ironing boards. Trying to get more women with busy/complicated enough lives who don’t have time. Trying to improve the electoral process with more participation and better practices.”

“I will not be sitting in cabinet meetings.”

Health care: “I know you want a should, but it’s hard. Truth of the matter, for profit insurers have been more innovative than govt providers. Looking for new way to provide services. There is a role for the for-profit companies in the process. The competition creates innovation. Single-payer eliminates. If we really do what we need to do w/respect to preventive med, screening and prev cures we’ll be in better place in 15 years in terms of need for coverage.”

Cancer: “if we find the cures for cancer, think about what that will do to the cost of long-term care. We’ll be looking at a whole different picture.”

“If we continue to let ourselves age without investing in developments and research for chronic illness we’ll have a huge problem on our hands.”

“would like to see a proliferation of public health care facilities. Would like to see them in elementary schools. Right now they’re stigmatized….we need to take that away. We would have an aggressive public health care system but still have private providers. “

“Under universal care we’ll still see the bigger providers but we’ll see the smaller companies to go away. It’s not bad to continue to have private companies to drive innovation.?

As we’re waiting…

I had the opportunity to hear Mrs. Edwards speak at BlogHer the summer. She was articulate, open, honest and well-versed on the issues. She was strong and yet felt approachable. Personally, I walked away from the experience wishing she were running. Talk about a candidate I could get behind!

I was lucky enough to have the chance to shake her hand and say hello at the cocktail party that followed her session. She’s tiny and very pretty in real life. She has a warm presence–especially when you consider all she has been through in her life. Obviously she has embraced a positive outlook.

She still has not entered the room. Ah, campaign timelines…

Tracy Russo is on the line. She is the blogging and online outreach for the Edwards campaign.

She said EE insisted on meeting with the SV moms again–scheduled be damned.

Personally, I had to lock myself in my bedroom to make sure that none of my three boys ran through the room as Mrs. Edwards was speaking. Ah the challenges of a mommy blogger.

This and the next few posts will be live-blogged. Please ignore any typos as I try to get this all down quickly.

It’s noisy as we all get on the call.

You can hear the excitement in the room out in San Jose. They are meeting with Mrs. Edwards at the McEnery Convention Center in San Jose.

We have a few minutes until she gets into the room.

24 women in the room there. We are able to live blog. They are able to take pictures. Not allowed to podcast or invite the press.

They will introduce everyone in the room and then the Chicago and DC moms on the line will be introduced. We’re going to get as many questions asked as possible. The campaign has said that there are no questions that are off limit.