While I’m inspired by the fact that there is still time for me to challenge this record, my desire to dig deeper into the story for you, my readers, was not satisfied.
My first question, of course, was “well who holds the record for the world’s strongest pen*s?”
Before I could find that answer though, I came upon this headline.
Typical. It wasn’t the woman’s accomplishment.
Wanting to get the rest of the story, I didn’t allow myself to become distracted and went right to Google followed more leads in search of the record holder.
It seems the folks at Guinness aren’t as concerned with finding the world’s strongest pen*s (male judges can’t handle the competition, hmmm?).
The best information I could find was at least a year old and comes to us from the far East. (do not click w/small children on lap; however, if you have teen-aged boys call them over immediately and tell them this is what you’ll do to them if they have sex before they are 35.)
My journalistic blogging instincts told me not to trust that source. I was suspicious of the fact that the gentleman’s back is turned to us and that he is naked except for a strap around his waist.
I continued my search for two more minutes and found that World’s Strongest Pen*s remains a record yet to be set. A certain company claims to have “the world’s strongest pen*s enlargement formula”, but I’m fairly certain drug use would disqualify you from the the title.
So readers, what did we learn today?
You’re never too old to set a Guiness world record (Get Kegeling* girls. We can’t let the Russians beat us!). AND, guys start “lifting.” You still have a chance to be the first!
*Am I the only one who finds the irony in the name and product line of this company?
Driving along on my way to work this morning I was daydreaming and thinking about Florida. The weather was grey and chilly and I was imagining the warm touch of the sun on my skin.
I know I moved away from my home town as soon as I could, but there’s still a soft spot in my heart for a few things St. Pete.
Anyway, you know how you get in the zone when you’re driving a route you travel often? I had just gotten on the highway when all of the sudden I noticed that I was surrounded by white cars. Of course, white cars make me think of Florida. They always jumpt out of me when I’m home for a visit. White just doesn’t seem to be the color of choice for drivers here in the mid-Atlantic states. So when I all of the sudden felt like a golden chariot riding through white puffy clouds, I took note.
Then the car behind me on the left pulled up in front of me. And where was the license plate from? You got it–Florida.
From the same guy who brought us this, I submit the email my brother received today (and which we as his sisters were carbon copied).
Hi there Son,
I was in the grocery store line yesterday looking over the magazines for gossip, and there in that inimitable publication “The National Enquirer” was the news that Rachel Ray is getting divorced–is she a great prospect, or WHAT!!
Her husband–soon to be ex–is asking for the modest sum of $500 million for settlement, so you can detect that she can easily absorb the cost of a wedding. So CALL HER UP, and ASK HER OUT–I suspect it’s been some time since she dated a rocket scientist*, so she should be receptive, even enthusiastic.
An aside, in case you don’t know about Rachel, she is a young (?30-35) woman who has at least one (perhaps two) TV cooking shows, has written books on Italian cooking, travels the world doing feature shows on cooking in different countries and is very attractive, personable, and engaging. Her only possible weakness is that I have never seen her demonstrate compelling cookie cooking skills, an imperative–nay, mandatory–cooking strength. (This is not important since we can all help her with the cookies if she becomes part of the family–Hee-Hee.)
After all, sons-in-law are terrific, but really all they do is work and get fed and grumble that it’s time to go. What we need in the Hurst family is a prospective daughter-in-law immersed in a long (but formal) engagement to keep her alert as to how best to please her aging prospective father-in-law. The occasional dutiful hug and kiss is fine, but we’re talking ITALIAN COOKING here, and LOTSA dough for pasta AND travel expenses.
In addition to your status as a rocket scientist, I think you could also truly capture her interest if you told her your spaghetti sauce is better than hers–and then if neither of you are impressed after the first few dates you could at least get some wonderful recipes… While I have not consulted everyone, I am certain the remainder of the family joins me in this recommendation with the same unbridled enthusiasm.
Lotsa love, your old Dad
So then I asked dear old Dad if I could post his letter on my blog and here was his response:
Amie, glad you liked it, I think we all have to join to keep steady gentle pressure on such a timid family member. Of course you can post it on your blog, and I don’t care about the whether you use my name or not–however, perhaps you should use your brother’s name AND Email, since with such a blog as you manage he might turn up a whole HOST of prospects–all of us know that NOTHING gets the attention of Moms more than a stray single male… Lotsa love, Dad
I’m thinking he might want my brother to settle down. Any funny, cool, athletic, nice, women in the greater Houston, TX area want a date with a handsome 40 year-old NASA scientist??
And apparently, my dad would also prefer it if you were a good cook.
*in the spirit of semi-disclosure, my dear brother is involved in space medicine.
