Mamma here ever prepared to keep you up to date on breaking news.

This morning we learned that a new Guinness world record has been set!

While I’m inspired by the fact that there is still time for me to challenge this record, my desire to dig deeper into the story for you, my readers, was not satisfied.

My first question, of course, was “well who holds the record for the world’s strongest pen*s?”

Before I could find that answer though, I came upon this headline.

Typical. It wasn’t the woman’s accomplishment.

Wanting to get the rest of the story, I didn’t allow myself to become distracted and went right to Google followed more leads in search of the record holder.

It seems the folks at Guinness aren’t as concerned with finding the world’s strongest pen*s (male judges can’t handle the competition, hmmm?).

The best information I could find was at least a year old and comes to us from the far East. (do not click w/small children on lap; however, if you have teen-aged boys call them over immediately and tell them this is what you’ll do to them if they have sex before they are 35.)

My journalistic blogging instincts told me not to trust that source. I was suspicious of the fact that the gentleman’s back is turned to us and that he is naked except for a strap around his waist.

I continued my search for two more minutes and found that World’s Strongest Pen*s remains a record yet to be set. A certain company claims to have “the world’s strongest pen*s enlargement formula”, but I’m fairly certain drug use would disqualify you from the the title.

So readers, what did we learn today?

You’re never too old to set a Guiness world record (Get Kegeling* girls. We can’t let the Russians beat us!). AND, guys start “lifting.” You still have a chance to be the first!

*Am I the only one who finds the irony in the name and product line of this company?

Facebook has tried to keep the fact under wraps since early 2008, but today fabulously famous blogger MammaLoves (aka Amie Adams) revealed the truth.

“I was ignoring my family. I was wearing dirty clothes. I couldn’t get enough. My life was falling apart! It wasn’t until my dog licked the computer screen showing Facebook and I noticed her madly dash in circles chasing her tail did I realize drugs were involved.”

Ms. Adams accuses Facebook of including games like Bejeweled Blitz and Pathwords on its site as a cover to emit crack fumes therefore rendering users unable to click off of the site.

Facebook sources refuse to comment on Ms. Adams’ accusations, but say Facebook works hard to promote a clean and healthy environment for its users as evidenced by their diligent effort to prevent photos of mothers nursing babies from soiling their pages.

The dog was quoted as saying, “dude.”

Rick and George* were quite the stoners in high school.

Both great guys, they were pretty easy-going–you know the weed and all–friendly, quick to laugh–again with the weed–fun–even without the weed (I mean I think I saw them when they weren’t stoned)–bright–despite the weed–athletic–and that’s tough with the weed–and they were friends of mine.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that George and Rick smoked a little dope back in the 80’s.

Tonight I spoke to George for the first time in ten years. With what I assume was a completely straight face, he told me about a recent conversation he had with Rick.

Apparently, Rick was experiencing a dilemma and needed some advice. Rick wanted to know if George thought it would be okay to let his 13 y.o. son go see Clerks 2.

Let me paint this for you in a slightly different way.

Bill and Ted have kids of their own and consult with each other on how best to raise them.

*Names have been changed to protect the guilty.