Baseball season is upon us once again (does it really ever end?) and as you know there aren’t many options for a girl when nature calls at the field.

I avoid the dreaded Port-o-Potties as much as possible, especially after the incident last year, but sometimes there’s just no choice.

We were down at the fields for a marathon afternoon and all of the sudden my breakfast came back to haunt me.

There wasn’t any time to make it home.

I found a relatively clean cabinet o’ ca-ca and went about my business. So many thoughts ran through my head as I was finding my way to sweet relief.

What if some kid forces the door open and everyone sees me with my pants down?

What if a long line has developed since I stepped in here?

Is the tank full enough that the next person will know I had the sour-apple-quick-steps?

As these totally rational and sane thoughts caused me to sweat a little, my eyes landed on this:

I HAD to know whose job it was to figure THAT out.

As part of my research (see what I do for you??), I made the most fascinating discovery–the PSAI–and boy is their website full of interesting information!

For instance, did you know that there are 1,400,000 portable toilets in use worldwide? That they call waste “effluent” (I’m kinda liking that word)? And that they have developed a Special Events Usage Guide?

I know, me neither.

Those portable sanitation people are some helpful folk.

To top it all off, the nice folks at the PSAI hand out the M.Z. “Andy” Dump–I mean–Gump Award which is a “lifetime achievement award honoring those that have improved the image of the industry and have created innovative approaches for sanitation needs through new and improved products and services.”

I want to party with these guys.

It started out as the most innocent conversation, but I was left with many questions.

A wad of rain-soaked clothes were left in my co-worker’s car resulting in a musty smell. He was telling me about the vast amounts of Febreeze he had sprayed in his car and was complaining that he could still smell the odor.

When I was younger we had dogs. We always used Lysol to clean up after the puppies while they were being housebroken. The puppies in my life pre-dated my children, and therefore my tolerance of poop, so I would often gag when I was forced to pick up the poop. The smell, the consistency, the little remnants left on the floor; I still associate the smell of Lysol with it all.

It was this I was telling my co-worker–that if I smell Lysol now I would swear to you that it smells like puppy poop–when he made an unexpected connection to my story.

Him: “Oh yeah. That’s just like when I smell someone who has on my jerk-off lotion.”

Me: *blink. blink*

It takes a lot to leave me speechless, but I definitely didn’t see that coming.*

*Heh, I said “coming”.*

So I let this information sink in–about five seconds goes by–and then it begins to happen.

I have questions!

Me: “You have jerk-off lotion? Is this special lotion? Do you only use it for that purpose or do you just use whatever you happen to have around? Can’t you just do it with a dry hand?”

And he actually began to answer them.

We work in a very small consulting firm, so this conversation is not as inappropriate or uncomfortable as it sounds. He’s in his late-twenties. It’s the 20-something boys I know who keep me hip to the whole single scene. Not that I don’t respect them, but I do sort of look at them like animals in the zoo–observing their behavior and being grateful that I live on the other side of the bars.

It was a bunch of young, male, former co-workers who taught me years ago about the prevalence of manscaping and the expectation of Brazillians for the women they dated when I still thought all that grooming was reserved for the porn set. Seriously, you ever think you want to be single again? Just talk to a bunch of late-twenties males. You’ll run home to your spouse at lightening speed.

Anyway, so he starts answering me.

Him: “Yeah. I haven’t gone without it for like 10 years. It’s nothing special, but I usually have two bottles, one in the bathroom for regular use and one in the bedroom.”

Me: “What if your girlfriend develops a sudden case of dry skin and sees the bottle of lotion by the bed and just starts slathering it on? Do you run to stop her?”

Can you just see that all in slow motion? “Nooooo. Not THAT lotion.”

Him: “Not at all.”

Me: “But then she’ll remind you of…um…jerking off?”

Him.: “Yeah! I know. That’d be awesome.”

Um. I don’t think she’d think so.

So now I have a challenge.

I have between now and our next holiday party in December to figure out a way to delicately suggest that she might want to bring her own lotion with her to her boyfriend’s house.

And I swear the next poor guy I see in the lotion aisle at CVS is going to be so sad he met me.

“So how do you decide which brand?”

“Are you brand loyal?”

“What if there’s something different on sale?”

“What features are you looking for?”

“Wouldn’t lube work better?”

“Do you prefer scented or unscented?”

I just have so many questions…

*For the record, I’m not a prude. It wasn’t that I was unfamilar with the concept, I just never thought that’s where the conversation was going to take us.

From their website:

…but this pisses me off.

Paris Hilton has been released from prison and is serving the rest of her sentence under house arrest.

OMFG!!!

Sources are citing “medical” conditions for this development.

What?! What could it possibly be that demanded house arrest?

I was thinking maybe constipation or having to pee in front of others.

Wait!

Those are the same things that happened to me after birth. Oh yeah! And, I didn’t leave the house for a while either.

Sorry for the interruption. Move along. OF COURSE that’s the appropriate manner to deal with those “conditions” (and my shit comes out in baggies).

House arrest should help her get better. I mean I didn’t have the maids, butlers, goose feather pillows or cooks, but I like to rough it like that.

The woman who first won my heart in the blogosphere nominated me?!! This silly blog where I let spew the inane thoughts clogging my brain? Shoot, I was just using it as an excuse to delay cleaning. I know, I know, Mom. I’ve been successfully doing THAT since before Al Gore invented the internet.

But check this out…

Thanks Karrie. I’m humbled that you’d even think of me. Can’t wait to lay eyes on you in Chicago!!