I couldn’t be grosser right now. I’m so gross I can’t even come up with an appropriate analogy for what I’m grosser than. Yes! For the second time in less than four weeks I have strep throat again. And I AM SO FREAKIN TIRED OF BEING SICK!!!!!

Those people at poison control are quite friendly. You know how I know? Oh because I almost caused Shakey to OD on painkillers this weekend.

Can you say GUILT?!

Yeah, so neither of us are big pain reliever imbibers and therefore most of the bottles of Tylenol in our house are expired. Shakey thinks you can still use them, but I tend to disagree–it’s one of our ongoing “discussions.” Anyway as I bitched about described in a recent post already Shakey is currently suffering from Hand, Foot, Mouth which is causing him to experience tremendously painful (like giving birth I’m sure) sores in his mouth and he’s required some relief (really, I do feel bad for him).

When we ran out of the only unexpired bottle of Tylenol over the weekend I turned up a bottle of CVS brand “Pain Relief” tablets in the bottom of some bag. Lo and behold they were still good so I looked at the milligrams per tablet, saw that they were 220 each and thought that was a bit odd but shook out three and handed them to him every six hours like they do at the hospital. And Shakey slept…for two days.

I thought he might be taking the whole being sick thing a little far, but who was I to complain since he’d just a super-trooper through my strep (did I just use the term super-trooper?). Well this morning he woke up! And for some reason he read the fine print–okay directions–on the little pain relief tablet bottle and guess what! It wasn’t ibuprofen. It was naproxen…and you’re only supposed to take one tablet every 12 hours and no more than three in a 24 hour period.

He was feeling much better this morning so we went about our day, though it crossed my mind a time or two to see if Hallmark makes a “Sorry I almost offed you honey” card. Midday, however, he started experiencing a number of the overdose symptoms listed on the web, so I called our family nurse (my sister-in-law) for advice. Not wanting to appear to relieve me of any guilt should the case go to trial, she directed me to poison control–or so that’s what they do in the ER she said. And that’s how I ended up on the phone with the lovely Tina at poison control this evening.

Tina was so reassuring, let me know that naproxen was probably the safest pain reliever to overdose and told me that Shakey’s symptoms shouldn’t cause us any alarm. She even asked for our name and number so she could call us back tomorrow to check in on us. Shakey piped up that she was just adding me to their spousal abuse registry–she laughed and said yeah she was. A sense of humor and the willingness to relieve me of the guilt of nearlly accidently poisoning my husband. What a woman!!

So next time you fail at offing your husband try to make your honey feel better in his time of need, remember you can over do it…but poison control is there–and they’re so nice–though apparently they’re not using Mr. Yuck anymore.

Oh I am just so NOT the dominatrix of domesticity. Though if I got to wear cool leather boots it might change my outlook a bit.

While maintaining his virile masculinity, Shakey really is reigning monarch in this area. Though if the truth be told neither of us are going to be scooped up by Martha any time soon. And for the record, there was no false advertising on my part.

The signs of my failure were apparent quite early. My first bedroom contained a walk-in closet which always served as the perfect place to stash whatever was laying around when Mom threatened asked me to clean my room. There were shelves that lined one whole side, so I could just pile everything up on those shelves–until the leaning tower of games tipped out just a little too far and CRASHED to the floor scaring everyone in the house and earning me a glare and a command to march upstairs and pick everything up.

Even then I approached the pile the same way I approach housecleaning today–with panic and trepidation. I never knew how to attack the problem. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to make everything stack perfectly…how I was going to get every piece in its proper box and then get all the lids closed neatly so they could be stacked in even piles. My heart races, I begin to sweat and the panic sets in. Cleaning? Organization? I lovely fantasy yes, but of my own hands?! Not that I’m above it no! I just don’t believe I’m capable of it.

See I have a little problem with perfectionism–which if you met me you’d fall on the floor laughing to imagine since there is not one shred of evidence of it anywhere in my life. But the truth is if I can’t do something perfectly I just don’t want to attempt it at all. I HATE failing!! And I know that even when I try to master all this cleaning, etc. the house still isn’t going to be ready for Architectural Digest so then I feel like well what’s the point. It’s a vicious circle–one I’m attempting to overcome. But I’m not going to go making any New Year’s resolutions about it, because that would just doom the whole project.

What am I always telling the munchkins? Try your best…that’s all I want. Maybe Mamma needs to heed her own advice. But I’m so sure my best could be at least Southern Living [she says tongue planted firmly in cheek].

Happy New Year everyone (all five of you)!

Here at Mamma’s house we’ve had a fun-filled holiday of one illness after another. I think it’s a hint that no family should spend 10 days cooped up in the same house together (can you tell I’m ready for school to start again?). Currently we have Mr. 2 recovering from a misdiagnosed case of Hand, Foot, Mouth (doc thought it was just impatigo) and now Shakey’s nursing a full blown episode of it himself. Of course, Mamma had herself a little case of strep the week before Christmas just so as no one in the family thought she couldn’t empathize. So far Mr. 4 and Mr. 10 are symptom free, but there’s still time!!

We’re on our third viewing of Cars today–Mr. 2 loves to rock out to the music and has started the trek down the long road of the male tradition of quoting movie lines. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before he demands to watch Fletch over and over again.

We may be in trouble with Mr. 2 as he’s already figured out how to read the directions for his transformers so that he can insist that we change their shape over and over again. He just came up to me directions in hand to show me how to make the change that I swore couldn’t be done.

He was right. I’m sure that won’t be the last time.

So we’re off to friends for the second annual New Years Eve Fondue Extravaganza. Cheese, meat and chocolate…who can’t love that?! I’m trying out the new Mike-aritas tonight. I’m determined to have fun!

Hope you have a safe, happy and healthy new year!!!!

I don’t know if it’s just the Christmas season or having children, but I’ve been thinking a lot about religion lately and my relationship with it. I wasn’t raised as a regular church-goer though both of my parents were. Shakey grew up being able to quote the bible (can you say Baptist?). I like the idea of being part of a church community but…

Anyway, I was drawn to an interview on Salon in an article about the best books of 2006. The interview is with Karen Armstrong who has written a number of books about religion and the history of religion. I found the last question and her answer very thought provoking–and a state to aspire to. So I thought I’d share.

I’d love to hear your reaction.

And is there an endpoint? From the cosmological perspective, was the universe designed specifically for life? Are those important questions?

Yeah, I think they can be wonderful questions. But they don’t occupy me very much. I believe that what we have is now. The religions say you can experience eternity in this life, here and now, by getting those moments of ecstasy where time ceases to be a constraint. And you do it by the exercise of the Golden Rule and by compassion. And just endless speculation about the next world is depriving you of a great experience in this one.

Honestly! Are your egos really that fragile?

You don’t see women bragging about buying the “thinnest” tampons out there.

A few famous people have died over the holidays. First was James Brown and now last night Gerald Ford. It got me thinking that it seems like famous people always die around Christmas. I couldn’t quickly find a Google answer to this hypothesis, but I did find this site that shows which famous people died in 2006.

It might seem morbid, I understand, but I always like that “In Memorium” part of the award shows. I like thinking about people who have made me think or laugh–but I also find some humor in the number of times I say to myself “huh, I thought that guy died a long time ago.”

As I write this, CNN is talking to anyone who ever bumped into Gerald Ford. Maybe it just seems like someone famous always dies around Christmas because there isn’t any other news around the holidays so they spend extra time delving into the lives of folks who die at this time of the year. And if there is any station that knows how to leave no amount of minutia unexamined while they wait for the “big event” funeral it’s CNN. Did you all take part in the death watch for the Pope? Seriously, we got to learn all about the cost of custom red leather shoes the man wore while people filed past his casket. And Princess Diana? I was guilty of getting up early to watch the funeral.

Oh wait, CNN is breaking for one minute to examine the other news around the world. You know Iraq, Sadam Hussein’s impending death, poisoned spies, we can cover that in a minute. Now…back to Gerry Ford.

This all gets me thinking about funerals. I understand the concept of a viewing or a wake for the family or close loved ones…and I think they serve as a way to show respect to the family of the deceased, but I don’t understand when thousands of people stand in line for hours or days to file past a casket…or to sign a book of condolence. Who the hell is going to read your name? And where is the family supposed to store all those books?

Have you ever read Janet Evanovich’s Stephanie Plum mysteries? They’re hysterical and quick. But there is a grandmother character in the series whose social life revolves around attending viewings at the local funeral home. Can’t help but think about her every time.

I know it’s the Christmas season and all this talk about death may not be in tune with the holiday, but I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t comment on whatever was in front of me when I sit down to write.

Christmas is over…my visiting family has all departed…should be hearing much more from me now. I’ve missed ya!!

Hi [she says sheepishly]

It wasn’t you, it was me. I swear! Really! The holidays, strep throat, a rager of a cookie exchange. I just haven’t had time for a relationship. But if you’ll have me, I’m back. And this time I promise not to ignore you–even when my friends are around.

No? You won’t have me back?

What if I promise date night every Saturday night? What? You want it capped off with a guaranteed blow job too?! Ummmm. Will you promise to leave comments? And to come back to visit again? Oh, okay I guess.

God I’m so easy!

I’ve missed you guys! I would have much preferred chatting with you than lying in bed praying for a throat-a-dural. I haven’t had strep since college. I had forgotten how much fun it was. Like life isn’t busy enough with the holidays and end of the year work. It’s no fun getting all that stuff done when you actually have enough time to do it.

Shakey deserves a huge shout out–and not just because he allows me to blog embarrassing stories about him, but because he has been the total teammate this holiday season. Surprisingly, splitting up all of the items on our list has resulted in us being all ready for Christmas four days early, and I’m not quite sure how. I keep waiting to discover something we’ve completely forgotten, but so far so good. Tree-check, presents-check, relatively clean house-check, food-check, christmas lights-check, christmas cards sent, packages mailed, all kids accounted for-check, check, check. You see what I mean? Something’s got to be missing.

Are you all set for the holidays? If you’re Jewish I realize you’re already in the middle of the festival of lights. Were you ready in time?

I don’t feel like I’ve listened to enough carols yet. I think tomorrow I’ll tune all the radios to the 24 hour a day holiday music station and just OD between now and Christmas. If I don’t, I’ll end up feeling sad on the 26th that I didn’t get a chance to enjoy them.

That was my goal for this year. To enjoy the holidays. The past few years I feel like they snuck up so fast that they were here and gone before I had a chance to appreciate them. Life certainly does go by faster the older you get.

But all of this is no excuse. I shouldn’t have ignored you and I’m sorry. Really.

So the blowjobs…that a deal breaker?

Day 41

Why do we always get sick at the worst times? It’s two weeks before Christmas, work is ridiculously busy and we just lost a staff member and now I’m sick. I’ve been fighting it for days but I think it’s coming for me. Both the little guys have had fevers and I just haven’t been able to get warm since yesterday. Couple that with the sensation that I might pass out every time I stand up and it makes it difficult to get anything done. UGH!!! How annoying!