Sometimes I feel like a bucket that’s sprung a hole at its seam.

On the outside all looks well, but I feel empty on the inside. The things that should normally fill me up are washing out as quickly as they’re poured in–so much so sometimes that there is barely any residue left by their presence.

I don’t know if it’s exhaustion or frustration or restlessness, but I need to feel full before I begin to collapse in on myself.

Tomorrow I may feel completely different.

I hope I do.

Because today, I worried to myself that I was becoming a black hole, and a black hole by its infinite nature is impossible to fill.

But then again, I tend to be a worrier.

Let’s chalk this all up to hormone fluctuations and an impending birthday. I used to love them, but now I’m looking at the number and wondering what it is I’ve accomplished and what it is I have ahead of me.

I desire change.

I know I’m the only one who can make it.

When you’re really angry at yourself, how do you work it out?

When you are the only one that you can lash out against what do you do?

How do you get it out of your system?

I can appear completely fine on the outside, but on the inside? Oh you should see the swirling.

I’m looking for some positive solutions here interwebs.

But completely inappropriate ones will be appreciated too.

There once was a woman named MamaLee, she was so nice and tagged lil ole me.
Following along came Dorky Dad, and he tagged me the same, but I didn’t get mad.
A meme you see really makes me HAWT.
It gives me something to write when I haven’t a thought.
Read on if you wish.
It’s 10 things about me.
Cause I’m so damned interesting as I’m sure you will see.
And when you do, will you please figure out a a way to convince me?

It’s called the Chinese Freeze Tag, though as my man Dorky Dad said “I don’t think it’s Chinese and I’m pretty sure there’s nothing frozen about it”. I am to write 10 things about myself, and then tag 10 people to do the same.

1. I love the sound of driving over gravel. It reminds me of so many good times…driving through the parking lot at the fireman’s carnival, going to a baseball game, to an outdoor concert, catching a fireworks show.

2. Fireworks make me so happy. I get so excited whenever I see firework shows. I greet them with childlike wonder and consider them terribly romantic. I can’t help but clap when they’re over.

3. Despite the fact that he’s short, I’ve had a thing for Matt Damon for a long time…until I saw The Departed. Now? Oh I’m all about Leo.

4. The beach is my favorite place in the world. Doesn’t matter the season, doesn’t really matter which one. I feel so free at the beach.

5. Bookstores make me feel hopeful. When I see all those books I know that if there is nothing else I still have all of them to read.

6. I used to just want a different nose and straighter fingers, then I realized that my neck was too short. I’d love to have perfect feet. I’d also like a bit higher forehead and now…I’d love it if my boobs were fuller and perkier. Since most of this cannot be corrected with surgery I guess I just have to accept what I look like.

7. Some days I feel like I’m in a holding pattern waiting for something to change. I know I need to be the one to make a change, but man I’m tired.

8. For the longest time penises sort of scared me. I didn’t grow up around too many. Now I’m surrounded by them. I sort of think sex would be different for a girl if she grew up with brothers. Penises are a lot less intimidating when the first ones you see are so small.

9. I love the fact that I grew up in a house where we learned to talk about our bodies matter of factly. I was never afraid to go to my mom with questions. That also says a lot about what an incredible woman she is.

10. I want to learn how to surf and to swim with dolphins someday.

There you go. Ten facts about me. Crap I think I even bored myself. Shoot I need to get the blogging bug back. Any suggestions?

So who’s going to get tagged? Let’s go with Crouton Boy, Canape, Mitch McDad, Karrie, the Queen of Mayhem, QueenieB, Southern Fried Mom, Kelly, Lawyer Mama and MommaK.

One of the most loyal readers here at Mamma Loves…is Mamma’s Mamma’s best friend. Rarely a day goes by that she doesn’t stop by to see if I’ve added anything new. And if she doesn’t find anything in the morning she’ll stop by a few more times during the day to see if I got my act together to put some words to the page.

When I’m at a loss for something interesting about which to write (cause lord knows nothing is that interesting to read) I experience Gail Guilt. I just know she’s going to be bummed when I haven’t left her anything new.

So despite the fact I still have nothing that really feels worth sharing, my Gail Guilt is too great.

Please, say hey to Gail! I’m pretty sure if you do she’ll check out your blogs too.

Now if I could just come up with some really juicy gossip that would make her happy. Honestly though, she’s the one who has it all.

Hi Gail!! Thanks for reading!